Well, that didn’t go well…

I’m so sorry. I’m not even sure why I’m apologising, I mean my actions don’t effect you. But I feel like I have some responsibility to be the strong one here, the one that people look to, the one that has made this remarkable recovery from the shy suicidal girl I was 5 years ago to the strong beautiful woman I am now. But I broke down today. I self harmed. In public. I had a tantrum. In public. I didn’t even care, I was too far gone.

My boyfriend and I had an argument. This doesn’t happen very often, we have little arguments or bickers but we never have arguments like this. I’d had a shit day, to be honest. My mum has been ill for a little while, but today she actually had a day off work so I had to look after her. I had so much housework to do and my little brother doesn’t lift a finger at all. I was then told by my mum that I would have to start tutoring my little brother once a week as well, and starting next week I’d be babysitting my cousin one day a week from 7am-7pm. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother and my cousin and I don’t blame my mum for being ill but sometimes the pressure is a lot.

Ever since I was very little (about 10) my parents have worked a lot to keep us afloat, so since then the housework has pretty much all fallen on me. So everyday I do two loads of washing, and usually an hour of ironing, I wash up the dishes twice a day, hoover once a week, and generally clean the house once a week. Then I work 3 nights a week from 5pm-10pm, I tutor one night a week and weekends if it’s exam season, I look after my brother, and I still managed to get the top grades in my class and get a scholarship to University. Sometimes I just feel like it’s too much for me to deal with.

Then my boyfriend comes home and we go for a walk and he starts telling me that I shouldn’t be doing everything, and that I’m miserable, and I’m being moody. It was so stressful, he started yelling at me and I couldn’t handle it… So I ran. I literally ran away from him like a child. Then I sat on the ground because I couldn’t breathe, I was having a panic attack. He stood over me and continued to yell at me. He said I spend too much time on my computer and I need to get out more. Yeah, that’s exactly what you should say to someone with anxiety. He saw I was struggling and he didn’t help at all.

I wasn’t thinking straight, I stood up and I looked him in the eye and I dragged my wrist against a brick wall. And I did it again. And again. Months without self harm and now I’m back here again. Wrist bandaged up, laughing with my parents at how clumsy I am.

To be fair, this time is better. I’m okay now, we spoke and we made up and I know he’s under so much stress too. He apologised and so did I. We spoke about what we can do to make things better and we made a list pf practical things to help us in case we’re ever in this situation again.

I do feel like I’ve let you all down. Honestly, that’s what has upset me the most. How pathetic is that? But I just care about you all so much, I want to be a role model for you all. I don’t want to be weak. I just feel like I’m under so much stress right now. I guess the main reason is because my childhood finished at age 10. And now I’m 18 I’m no longer a child and I guess that made me realise I can never get those years back, I can never be a child. That’s it. I’m an adult now.

I’m so sorry this is not a happy post, but I feel so much better now. I think I just needed to release my stress, and yes I should have gone about it in a better way but I still feel strong. Even if I have to type this with one hand, I’m doing a good job though! I think it’s the years of practice when I type while drinking tea at the same time!

I hope you are all having a better day than I am, and as always if you ever need me please get in touch. x

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24 thoughts on “Well, that didn’t go well…

  1. Friends have been telling me that I’m strong for writing about my things. Now I’m going to say the same to you.

    You’re an inspiration for being able to write and talk about it all.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Everyone falls down sometimes. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re weak. I think it’s pretty brave to publish this post even though you feel as though you may have let people down -which I’m sure you haven’t. (:

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are a really amazing person to do so much from a young age and become the successful person you are. I hope you stay positive because you can accomplish so much !

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The thing is we can’t ALWAYS be strong. We have weak moments and from those weak moments come more strength. I didn’t self harm, but I use to hate on myself so much. I stopped doing that in November of last year and I started it up a few days ago. It is going to happen. All we can do is learn from it and continue forward in making ourselves better. We are only human. You are still somebody to look up to. You had a little break down moment, but have recovered and have made steps to prevent it from happening again. You haven’t failed anybody. Glad you worked things out.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You know what? It’s okay. It’s okay that you slipped up once. It’s okay that you threw a tantrum. It’s okay because you’re human even though you don’t want to admit it. Going those many years without self-harming is commendable and you’re an inspiration to many people on here BUT mistake is not the end of the world.
    You’re human too so you’re obviously going to crack under so much pressure.
    And I’m here for you if you want to rant to someone 🙂
    And I’m here if you just need support 🙂
    So chin up and keep smiling. Everyone has bad days, you just don’t let the bad days define you and ruin the many more good ones 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sweetheart! I’m so sorry you’ve been having such a rough time. I’m so proud of you for finding an outlet (blogging) that makes you feel better though, I completely understand how much that can help. I wanted to tell you, though, that you are NOT weak, in any way, shape, or form. You had the strength to write about this, you had the strength to post this, you had the strength to address the problem and find a practical solution. Being strong doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have bad days or fall back into old habits – it means you have the self awareness to recognize when something’s wrong, and take the initiative to do whatever’s in your power to change it. And you don’t owe anyone an apology – you are a role model in the fact that you’re willing to let other people (and complete strangers) know your struggles, so that those who go through the same thing don’t have to feel alone. Sorry this got so long, I just wanted to send some encouragement your way. And I know this is none of my business, but I hope your boyfriend stops yelling at you – it’s not okay, any time, and especially not when you’re already panicking. You don’t deserve that, sweetheart – and I don’t mean to cross the line or say anything bad about your man, I just want you to know that you deserve to be treated like a princess, and I do hope he recognizes that soon as well. And I’m ALWAYS here if you ever need to talk (if it makes you feel better, I’ve been in the same place you were talking about in this post) – I’m @PlatonicMermaid on Twitter. Love you sweetheart! *MUAH*

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hey. It’s alright you don’t need to apologize. I know life gets stressful and even the perfect role models have faults. But that’s what makes them real. You are beautiful and strong and amazing. And certainly a role model to me. No matter what you do. I encourage you to stay strong. You can do it. And I believe in you. Love you lots and give you so much hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You didn’t let anyone down. I can see that you’re under a ton of stress, and I’m proud of you for managing to keep it together for this long! If that was me I would’ve given up a while ago, but you’re doing well. And it’s even harder for you since you have anxiety, and even though you did self harm and you did have a panic attack you’ve been incredibly strong. Just please don’t self harm again, though, because we love you and your family loves you and Josh loves you. The fact that you ended that post by hoping we were doing better, and offering your help to us, shows how wonderful you are. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: Thank You. | Every Word You Say

  10. Please don’t apologize for not posting something happy. We are here for you no matter what you’re feeling. It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate. Please try and be kind with yourself. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and gentle hugs, if okay?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Don’t feel bad about not posting a happy post. We all go through hard times so it is understandable that sometimes others can be sad or angry and need to vent, even if we can’t relate to the circumstances. You do an awful lot, I really don’t know how you cope. The fact that you can write down and share your thoughts and feelings on something so personal demonstrates how strong you are and I’m glad to hear that you and your boyfriend have made up. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: Well, that really didn’t go very well… | Every Word You Say

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