Updates, University, and Unicorns.

Hey my beautiful readers,

I just wanted to give you an update as to why I haven’t really been present on here for the past few days. I’m currently sitting in a strange old building, surrounded by cats, and waiting for my Chinese takeaway to arrive. My boyfriend and I are looking after his dad’s hotel at the moment so we’ve been pretty busy! Between crawling through windows when guest lock in all of their sets of keys, to feeding all of Kyle’s dad’s horses and cats, we’ve barely sat down!

I want to give a massive thank you to everyone who commented on my post about Kyle not getting into University, we were both amazed at all the support we got. You’re all wonderful! Kyle is now planning on taking a gap year and reapplying for University next year, and at least this allows him to pass his driving test before he goes to University.

Most of you will know by now I’m also going to University this year, and I’m actually starting this Sunday! I’ll be moving from my tiny little town in the countryside to the big city of London, and I am terrified! I’ve already spoken to the people I’ll be living with and they seem awesome! Plus, they’re so understanding about my social anxiety which I am so relieved about. I just wanted to warn you all that my posting may become less frequent when I start University, but I promise I’ll never forget about you!

Thank you so much for reading, and as always if you want to get in touch please email me!

P.S: You may be wondering why I used the word Unicorn in my title. To be honest, it’s mostly because it sounds good, but it’s also because my boyfriend and I were playing charades and I had to pretend to be a unicorn. Because we’re sophisticated adults like that! Oh dear, I’m never going to survive at Uni!

5 Things you learn when you live by yourself for the first time.

For the past two weeks my parents have been on holiday so I have been looking after the house and my younger brother (aged 15). This is the first time I’ve ever been responsible for myself and someone else for longer than a couple of days, so I thought I’d let you in on a few things you learn when you have to fend for yourself for the first time…

  1. Food becomes precious. I have to walk to the shops and get my own food, and then *gasp* I have to cook it myself! This fact meant that any food in our house automatically became priceless and was carefully conserved to maximise the time I could spend in my pyjamas, and to minimise the time I would have to spend outdoors.
  2. Cereal becomes a main part of your diet. When you’ve only got a box of cornflakes and half a pint of milk left in the house, cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner becomes part of your normal lifestyle… and there’s no one to tell you no!
  3. Housework becomes all consuming. When your parents aren’t around to help with the housework, and your little brother refuses to do more than one chore a day, most of the housework falls to you…and it sucks! But if you don’t do it, your house starts to stink and you end up eating cereal out of  saucepan (in my defence I only did this once!)
  4. Every noise instantly becomes a serial killer. So you’re all snuggly in your bed, with a cup of tea in one hand and a book in the other, and you hear a noise. No big deal, your parents will protect you, right? Nope! You’re the responsible adult, and you’ve got a child to protect, so you have to go downstairs and be murdered.
  5. You find yourself doing more and more “adulty” things. Like having to call up the bank by yourself, and picking up your brother’s uniform, and buying healthy foods. And because of that it’s a great learning experience! But let’s be honest, I’m so glad they’re back!

Thanks for reading!

Dear 12 year old me,

Dear 12 year old me,

I am writing this letter to inform you that things will get better. Those angry scars across your thigh will fade, and your wrists will stop being a canvas for your pain. I promise. I know things are Goddamn awful for you, and I’m so, so sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong, I promise.

I know the Bad Man made you scared, but please don’t believe a word he says. You are beautiful. You are strong. You can keep fighting. This is the year he goes away. I know that seems impossible but it’s true, he will never lay a finger on you again. So keep going. Cry into your pillow, it doesn’t make you weak. Get out of bed, I know it’s the hardest task of the day, but you can do it. Talk to your parents, please, you’re scaring them.

In the future you’ll ace your exams (A*’s in Biology, Chemistry, and Physics!) and you’ll go to an amazing college. There will be a boy in the hallway, the one looking dorky and cute, the one smiling at you. Go talk to him. Or just do what I did and get really nervous and make a stupid joke…then run away awkwardly. But it’s okay, because your paths will cross again! You’ll go on a school trip, where you’re sat in a “train crash” so the emergency services can practice rescuing you. You’ll be covered in fake blood, wearing hospital scrubs, surrounded by smoke, and screaming people… and he’ll be sitting next to you making even stupider jokes and being just as awkward as you are.

This boy will make you realise how amazing you truly are. He’ll kiss your scars. He’ll hold you all night to keep the nightmares away. But most of all, he’ll be there for you. He knows your past, he’s intertwined in your present, and you’ll plan your future together.

Your future is filled with love, and hope, and opportunities. So please put the razor down, untie the rope, and look around you because the World is so beautiful. Just like you.

Lots of love,

Amy

(Written for Teens Tell Their Story)

We’re going to University!!

We did it!! (Well, Kyle did it). As many of you know from my previous posts, my boyfriend Kyle has been struggling to get into University because his Dyslexia and Autism have stopped him getting a C in his English exam. Despite this, he managed to get 3 A grades in his Forensic Science course, and he got a B in Maths, and this has meant that finally he’s been excepted into University!! I’m beyond proud of him 🙂

Sorry this is such a short post, but I just had to share this with you all! He’s been through so much and finally people are realising how awesome he truly is 🙂

Thanks for reading!

Q and A Tag!

I got nominated by Teenage Diary Online for the Q and A tag, so a big thank you to her!

Here’s the rules:

  • Respond and rework. answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own. (I chose not to do a few because I couldn’t answer them or the answers would be too sad).
  1. What’s your current fashion obsession? Jeans, a geeky t-shirt, and converse. This has been the same since I was 11 years old 😛 Sorry, I’m just not into fashion!
  2. What are you wearing? Oooh, this is a bit saucy 😉 I am wearing my pyjamas and fluffy slippers. Not very sexy, sorry!
  3. Hair? I have fairly long, straight, blonde hair which I love!
  4. Morning go to? When I wake up it takes me forever to actually get out of bed, so I’ll just lay in bed and contemplate life for at least 20 minutes. Then I’ll check my emails and Facebook etc. then I’ll go get breakfast.
  5. Why is today special? Because I don’t have to work! My parents are on holiday, so for two weeks I don’t have to work with my dad delivering takeaway. So tonight I’m going to order one, because food always tastes so much better when someone else delivers it to you!
  6. What would you like to learn how to do? I would love to be able to speak a different language, but my brain just can’t!!
  7. What’s for dinner today? I’m having a day off cooking and my brother and I are going to order a Chinese takeaway 😛
  8. What are you listening to right now? I’m multitasking at the moment, I’m blogging and watching Scrubs on TV. It’s one of the best shows ever, and if you haven’t watched it yet, where have you been?!
  9. What are your essentials when travelling? I carry around a massive bag everywhere I go, so I’m prepared for everything! But I have to take my phone, a book, headphones, money, and plasters (because I’m clumsy).
  10. What job did you want when you were a little kid? I’ve always wanted to be a scientist, but around that I’ve wanted to be a: florist, author, lawyer, journalist, and a teacher.
  11. What is your most challenging goal now? To go to University and deal with it without freaking out!
  12. Name three things you can’t live without. My (boy)friends, my family, and my laptop 🙂
  13. What would you like to have in your hands right now? My boyfriend’s hands. I’ve had a bit of a sad day today, and I definitely wish he was here right now.
  14. What would you like to get rid of? Flies. There’s at least 6 flies in my room right now and it’s so annoying!
  15. What are you most excited for? University!! I start in two weeks!
  16. What is your favourite type of music? I listen to all sorts of music, it all depends on what mood I’m in. I love rock, pop, rap, classical, and indie music, it really does depend on how I’m feeling 🙂
  17. Which countries have you visited? I’ve been to: England (well, I live there but I think it counts!), Wales, Scotland, Egypt, Cyprus, France, Turkey, and Spain.
  18. What was the last movie you watched? I watched Warm Bodies with my brother and it was so good!! Best Zombie movie I’ve ever seen!
  19. What can you see out of the nearest window? I can see my front garden and the forest that’s literally 3ft away from my house, and I think I can see a deer but it might just be a cat.
  • Tag seven other people.
  1. Scouting The Year Away
  2. Moon Kid 67
  3. Jenipeh
  4. Lyf With Em
  5. Girl Shadow
  6. Invisible Me
  7. Amanda

Thank you for reading!

I avoid the elderly.

That makes me sound like an awful person, right? And it is awful, but unfortunately it’s true. If I see an elderly customer I will be polite to them, but I will finish the transaction as soon as possible. I visit elderly relatives as little as I can. And I absolutely refuse to go to funerals. Why? Because I’m terrified of death and everything that reminds me of it.

When I look at someone so fragile and tired, it just makes me so sad. I’m sure they’ve lived such a wonderful life, it’s just not fair that it has to end. I have quite a few elderly relatives. (My family seem to live forever.) I have two great nans who are still alive, but both of them are very ill, and can hardly walk or eat by themselves. For the past year I’ve made so many excuses to avoid visiting them- I’m sick, I’ve got coursework, I’m seeing friends etc. Anything I can do.

I have never been to a funeral. I want my last memories of my friends and family to be good ones, where they were alive and free and happy. I would hate my last memories of that person to be cold, and filled with sadness. But sometimes I feel so guilty too. I’ve missed out on so many of my loved one’s funerals, and although my parents haven’t said anything about it, I’m so scared they’ll think I don’t care when really it’s the opposite.

It just scares me so much that every memory I have, all my hopes and dreams and achievements will one day not matter. How fair is that?

So, what can I do? Is there any way to get over this fear? Is there anyone out there who feels this way too? I know I can’t keep going on like this forever.

Thank you for reading, and as always I encourage anyone reading this to get in touch with me if they need someone to talk to.

Gratitude…

A few days ago I was contacted by a lovely new blogger, Autumn Accepts, and was asked to write a guest post for her. I liked this post so much that I want to share it with you all on this blog too, but if you could go check out Autumn’s blog too that would be amazing 🙂


Dear Autumn,

I had this whole idea of what I was going to talk about, it would be tragic and heart-warming and honestly it would have been an award-winning performance… But it would have been just that, a performance. You see, I write a lot about my past and all of it is true. From the sexual abuse, to the death of a friend, to the depression, to the anxiety I am still dealing with now. And I was going to write about that again. Until, for once in my life, I looked around me instead of looking over my shoulder.

And do you know what I saw? Well, I saw my bedroom walls to begin with. Painted dark brown, pretty cute right? Then I thought about everyone who doesn’t have that. Some people don’t have four walls, let alone four walls they can call theirs. Then I remembered the reason why my four walls are painted brown. That is because this was my brother’s room, and that dark brown was the result of countless pots of paint and hours of work by my parents. Then I remembered all the people who don’t have their family with them, or they don’t have parents that will drive to the paint shop three times just so their child can pick the perfect colour.

I looked to my left. I see books, and a whole lot of them at that! Overflowing, scruffy, and unorganised, but then I remembered the people who can’t afford to go to school, let alone those who can’t afford books. On top of the books I see a photo frame, the couple inside are awkward and dorky and it’s definitely not their best photo! But I am so grateful that I could be present in that moment, the first party my boyfriend took me to, the one where we drank a little bit too much and we danced badly but we were so in love. Then I remember all those people who can’t show their love, who fear walking down the street with their partner, who cannot get married because a deceitful government says it is immoral.

I looked to my right. I see a window, looking out upon the beautiful English countryside. Okay, my window actually looks out onto a carpark. But then I think about all the people whose windows are wrongfully blocked with bars, the people whose only crimes are standing up for equality, or falling in love.

Lastly, I look right ahead of me. And I see the World. I see all the information known to man, I see my friends who live thousands of miles away, I see infinite opportunities. Then I think of all the people who cannot afford computers, or those whose corrupt governments say that the internet will corrupt their minds.

As I look around I think of how lucky I am to be here, and how lucky I am to have the support of family and friends to help me. Maybe today you could take a look around and, just for one day, think about all the things you are grateful for.

Thank you for reading,

Amy