Updates, University, and Unicorns.

Hey my beautiful readers,

I just wanted to give you an update as to why I haven’t really been present on here for the past few days. I’m currently sitting in a strange old building, surrounded by cats, and waiting for my Chinese takeaway to arrive. My boyfriend and I are looking after his dad’s hotel at the moment so we’ve been pretty busy! Between crawling through windows when guest lock in all of their sets of keys, to feeding all of Kyle’s dad’s horses and cats, we’ve barely sat down!

I want to give a massive thank you to everyone who commented on my post about Kyle not getting into University, we were both amazed at all the support we got. You’re all wonderful! Kyle is now planning on taking a gap year and reapplying for University next year, and at least this allows him to pass his driving test before he goes to University.

Most of you will know by now I’m also going to University this year, and I’m actually starting this Sunday! I’ll be moving from my tiny little town in the countryside to the big city of London, and I am terrified! I’ve already spoken to the people I’ll be living with and they seem awesome! Plus, they’re so understanding about my social anxiety which I am so relieved about. I just wanted to warn you all that my posting may become less frequent when I start University, but I promise I’ll never forget about you!

Thank you so much for reading, and as always if you want to get in touch please email me!

P.S: You may be wondering why I used the word Unicorn in my title. To be honest, it’s mostly because it sounds good, but it’s also because my boyfriend and I were playing charades and I had to pretend to be a unicorn. Because we’re sophisticated adults like that! Oh dear, I’m never going to survive at Uni!

5 Things you learn when you live by yourself for the first time.

For the past two weeks my parents have been on holiday so I have been looking after the house and my younger brother (aged 15). This is the first time I’ve ever been responsible for myself and someone else for longer than a couple of days, so I thought I’d let you in on a few things you learn when you have to fend for yourself for the first time…

  1. Food becomes precious. I have to walk to the shops and get my own food, and then *gasp* I have to cook it myself! This fact meant that any food in our house automatically became priceless and was carefully conserved to maximise the time I could spend in my pyjamas, and to minimise the time I would have to spend outdoors.
  2. Cereal becomes a main part of your diet. When you’ve only got a box of cornflakes and half a pint of milk left in the house, cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner becomes part of your normal lifestyle… and there’s no one to tell you no!
  3. Housework becomes all consuming. When your parents aren’t around to help with the housework, and your little brother refuses to do more than one chore a day, most of the housework falls to you…and it sucks! But if you don’t do it, your house starts to stink and you end up eating cereal out of  saucepan (in my defence I only did this once!)
  4. Every noise instantly becomes a serial killer. So you’re all snuggly in your bed, with a cup of tea in one hand and a book in the other, and you hear a noise. No big deal, your parents will protect you, right? Nope! You’re the responsible adult, and you’ve got a child to protect, so you have to go downstairs and be murdered.
  5. You find yourself doing more and more “adulty” things. Like having to call up the bank by yourself, and picking up your brother’s uniform, and buying healthy foods. And because of that it’s a great learning experience! But let’s be honest, I’m so glad they’re back!

Thanks for reading!

Dear 12 year old me,

Dear 12 year old me,

I am writing this letter to inform you that things will get better. Those angry scars across your thigh will fade, and your wrists will stop being a canvas for your pain. I promise. I know things are Goddamn awful for you, and I’m so, so sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong, I promise.

I know the Bad Man made you scared, but please don’t believe a word he says. You are beautiful. You are strong. You can keep fighting. This is the year he goes away. I know that seems impossible but it’s true, he will never lay a finger on you again. So keep going. Cry into your pillow, it doesn’t make you weak. Get out of bed, I know it’s the hardest task of the day, but you can do it. Talk to your parents, please, you’re scaring them.

In the future you’ll ace your exams (A*’s in Biology, Chemistry, and Physics!) and you’ll go to an amazing college. There will be a boy in the hallway, the one looking dorky and cute, the one smiling at you. Go talk to him. Or just do what I did and get really nervous and make a stupid joke…then run away awkwardly. But it’s okay, because your paths will cross again! You’ll go on a school trip, where you’re sat in a “train crash” so the emergency services can practice rescuing you. You’ll be covered in fake blood, wearing hospital scrubs, surrounded by smoke, and screaming people… and he’ll be sitting next to you making even stupider jokes and being just as awkward as you are.

This boy will make you realise how amazing you truly are. He’ll kiss your scars. He’ll hold you all night to keep the nightmares away. But most of all, he’ll be there for you. He knows your past, he’s intertwined in your present, and you’ll plan your future together.

Your future is filled with love, and hope, and opportunities. So please put the razor down, untie the rope, and look around you because the World is so beautiful. Just like you.

Lots of love,

Amy

(Written for Teens Tell Their Story)

I am so fucking angry!

Yes, I swore. Fuck fuck fuck. I apologise for any offense caused but I couldn’t care less. I made a promise not to write posts while I’m angry but I make an acceptation for this. You know that post I wrote about Kyle getting into University? Well I might as well fucking delete it because guess what… they made a mistake. There was a computer error. The letter was sent by accident.

We told all our family and friend’s, we even told our old teacher’s who were so proud of him, we smiled at all the lovely comments from you beautiful people, and we went out for a romantic dinner to celebrate. Then we get a phone call today saying they give their “sincerest apologies” at their “mistake”. This is not a fucking mistake! That’s someone’s life! Do they even realise what Kyle has to deal with on a daily basis?! Autism, Dyslexia, ADHD. And even if he didn’t have to overcome all this, this is still someone’s future, someone’s emotions, that they’ve royally screwed over. So, thank you. You have officially made my boyfriend, the strongest person I know, feel like he is worthless. And that’s not okay. This is not okay.

We’re going to University!!

We did it!! (Well, Kyle did it). As many of you know from my previous posts, my boyfriend Kyle has been struggling to get into University because his Dyslexia and Autism have stopped him getting a C in his English exam. Despite this, he managed to get 3 A grades in his Forensic Science course, and he got a B in Maths, and this has meant that finally he’s been excepted into University!! I’m beyond proud of him 🙂

Sorry this is such a short post, but I just had to share this with you all! He’s been through so much and finally people are realising how awesome he truly is 🙂

Thanks for reading!

Q and A Tag!

I got nominated by Teenage Diary Online for the Q and A tag, so a big thank you to her!

Here’s the rules:

  • Respond and rework. answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own. (I chose not to do a few because I couldn’t answer them or the answers would be too sad).
  1. What’s your current fashion obsession? Jeans, a geeky t-shirt, and converse. This has been the same since I was 11 years old 😛 Sorry, I’m just not into fashion!
  2. What are you wearing? Oooh, this is a bit saucy 😉 I am wearing my pyjamas and fluffy slippers. Not very sexy, sorry!
  3. Hair? I have fairly long, straight, blonde hair which I love!
  4. Morning go to? When I wake up it takes me forever to actually get out of bed, so I’ll just lay in bed and contemplate life for at least 20 minutes. Then I’ll check my emails and Facebook etc. then I’ll go get breakfast.
  5. Why is today special? Because I don’t have to work! My parents are on holiday, so for two weeks I don’t have to work with my dad delivering takeaway. So tonight I’m going to order one, because food always tastes so much better when someone else delivers it to you!
  6. What would you like to learn how to do? I would love to be able to speak a different language, but my brain just can’t!!
  7. What’s for dinner today? I’m having a day off cooking and my brother and I are going to order a Chinese takeaway 😛
  8. What are you listening to right now? I’m multitasking at the moment, I’m blogging and watching Scrubs on TV. It’s one of the best shows ever, and if you haven’t watched it yet, where have you been?!
  9. What are your essentials when travelling? I carry around a massive bag everywhere I go, so I’m prepared for everything! But I have to take my phone, a book, headphones, money, and plasters (because I’m clumsy).
  10. What job did you want when you were a little kid? I’ve always wanted to be a scientist, but around that I’ve wanted to be a: florist, author, lawyer, journalist, and a teacher.
  11. What is your most challenging goal now? To go to University and deal with it without freaking out!
  12. Name three things you can’t live without. My (boy)friends, my family, and my laptop 🙂
  13. What would you like to have in your hands right now? My boyfriend’s hands. I’ve had a bit of a sad day today, and I definitely wish he was here right now.
  14. What would you like to get rid of? Flies. There’s at least 6 flies in my room right now and it’s so annoying!
  15. What are you most excited for? University!! I start in two weeks!
  16. What is your favourite type of music? I listen to all sorts of music, it all depends on what mood I’m in. I love rock, pop, rap, classical, and indie music, it really does depend on how I’m feeling 🙂
  17. Which countries have you visited? I’ve been to: England (well, I live there but I think it counts!), Wales, Scotland, Egypt, Cyprus, France, Turkey, and Spain.
  18. What was the last movie you watched? I watched Warm Bodies with my brother and it was so good!! Best Zombie movie I’ve ever seen!
  19. What can you see out of the nearest window? I can see my front garden and the forest that’s literally 3ft away from my house, and I think I can see a deer but it might just be a cat.
  • Tag seven other people.
  1. Scouting The Year Away
  2. Moon Kid 67
  3. Jenipeh
  4. Lyf With Em
  5. Girl Shadow
  6. Invisible Me
  7. Amanda

Thank you for reading!

Rant #2 Agar.io (A.k.a. The Most Frustrating Game Ever!)

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Proudest Moment of my Life.

I can’t be the only one who has played this game, right? Recently I’ve been obsessed with it! It’s called Agar.io, and basically you start off as a tiny cell and you have to go around eating the colourful dots (nutrients) and other cells that are smaller than you. Sounds simple, right? Nope! It is so frustrating. This game brings out the worst in me. Usually I’m quite a peaceful, content person, but after 5 minutes of this game I’m swearing like a sailor. Especially when some idiot eats you when you’ve spent 30 minutes trying to get to the top of the leader board. But, I did it! I was the biggest cell! One of the proudest moments of my life? Absolutely!

Please tell me I’m not the only one who plays this! Let me know in the comments if any of you have experienced the addictive frustration that is Agar.io. Thanks for reading 🙂

Dragon’s Loyalty Award!

I was nominated by two lovely bloggers: Ocean Of Fear and Miss Ky and if you haven’t already, go check out these awesome bloggers!

Here’s the rules:

  • Thank the bloggers who nominated you. Thank you!!
  • Put the logo in your post.
  • Post 7 facts about yourself.
  1. I am currently watching Les Miserables. As we speak I am watching this for the first time, and it’s so good! So sad, but I really like it 🙂
  2. I’m starting University this September.  I’m going to be studying Biomedical Science in London, and I feel so unprepared but so excited 🙂
  3. I have a suitcase called Linda. When I was about 10 years old I jokingly called my suitcase Linda and for the past 8 years my parents and brother have just referred to it as Linda. So this is a normal conversation in our house: “Have you got Linda down from the attic?” “Not yet, have you got the ribbon to tie around her so we don’t lose her at the airport?” “Ooh Linda’s a bit dusty isn’t she? We need to remember to get her down from the attic more often and air her out.” My family is weird!
  4. I volunteered for three years. When I was 14 I started volunteering for EACH which is a charity that helps terminally ill children. I worked in a giant factory sorting out donations and packing them into boxes, and you would not believe some of the weird things people donate! (No, we can’t make money off of a giant bag of odd socks!) I had to stop when I was 17 though because I couldn’t manage college, tutoring, work, and volunteering but I really miss it.
  5. I am first aid trained. I know CPR, and basic first aid, and I’ve looked after so many children that I can now handle pretty much every emergency! But seriously guys, if you don’t know CPR or basic first aid (like how to treat burns and tie bandages) then please either take a course, or even look it up online. These are basic skills that I’ve had to use several times, and knowing what to do in an emergency could save someone’s life.
  6. I have lots of pairs of freckles. Most of the freckles I have are in pairs, I have them on my cheek, my wrist, and my elbow and up my arms, but they’re almost always right next to another one which I find cute because I can make smiley faces out of them 🙂
  7. I love socks. I don’t understand why people hate getting socks as presents, I love it! If any of you meet me, bring me socks (preferably new ones :P) and we will be instant friends 🙂
  • Nominate 15 other bloggers.
  1. As Told By Sean
  2. Sakara Dee
  3. Mon
  4. New Romantics
  5. Alternative Sunny Days
  6. Jenipeh
  7. Lyf With Em
  8. Girl Shadow
  9. Germerican Girl
  10. Invisible Me
  11. Amanda
  12. Katie Bun
  13. Child Of Cynicism
  14. Autumn
  15. New Romantics

Thank you for reading!

GUEST POST (*Trigger Warning* Child Abuse)

A little while after I started this blog I started talking with another blogger, Zion. I consider him to be a very good friend now, and after exchanging emails for a while I discovered that, although he is only 15 years old, he had a very challenging upbringing. A couple of days ago Zion asked me if he could write a summary of his experiences growing up, and if he could publish them here. The following is just an overview of his childhood and he chose not to talk about some aspects. I would be extremely grateful if you could show some love for this wonderful guy, I know it wasn’t easy for him to do this, so if you could give him all your support it would mean the world. Thank you.

I was born into an abusive household, the abuse wasn’t towards me, but my mom and 5 aunts. Before I was 8 months old my mom left and I was homeless for about 3 years of my life being in and out of motels, or someone’s room for rent that we would be kicked out of for not being able to pay. My mom started staying with “friends” of hers from when she was younger when I was almost 4. They were really controlling and mean to her making her do things because it was “the best choice” when it was really because they wanted her to. My biological dad wasn’t around my life until around then when I spent a grand total of 1 hour with him before he dropped off the face of the earth again.

During this time my mom met her first husband she would marry. His name was Steve. The guy was really creepy and I had just a bad feeling about him. My mom and Him would have sex all the time when I was in the room with them, and they would tell me to just look at the TV. Thankfully I did just that and didn’t see them do anything. They got married about 3 weeks before Christmas  and during their honeymoon my mom got pregnant with my sister.

Now that my they were married they moved into a apartment and that’s where my abuse started. When ever my mom wasn’t home (which was a lot because she was going to school) he would beat me for doing just about anything. I couldn’t breath without the fear of being punched or slapped or kicked. Once my sister was born it got worse, my mom started getting into the abuse. She would lock me in the bedroom for hours and only let me out to eat or for school (I was in 1st grade at this point) or when someone came over to the house. If I had to go to the bathroom I would be hit and yelled at for it and wouldn’t be allowed out for a meal, or something like that.

After less than a year they got a divorce because he cheated, so my mom, sister, and I went to a city a few hours away with her friends.  I was really far behind in school because they tried to “homeschool” me after the school questioned the bruises I was getting. The “homeschool” was really just them keeping me home all day cleaning and getting beaten. While we were living there, the abuse stopped, and her friends took really great care of me. I didn’t get locked in a room, or have the crap beat out of me, or have to do ridiculous amounts of work.

I started 2nd grade there and sadly had to leave only a few weeks into school because my mom moved on with my sisters grandparents. There I started getting treated like crap again. My sisters grandparents treated her as if she was God and me like I was the scum of the earth. After her grandpa had a crazy melt down and got super drunk, my mom moved out and we started staying with the person names heather and her hell spawn of a daughter. Her daughter was 8, and would bite, scratch, kick, yell, cuss out, and just about anything else you can think of on a daily basis. Her mom would just make excuses for her being crazy. At school (I’m now in 3rd grade) some kids would call her the Devil’s daughter because of how she would act.

I had to say with them about a year before we moved into a house with just my mom sister and I. She let her friend from when she was younger move in and his name was Brett, and he started cheating on his girlfriend with my mom. He slowly but surely started making my mom do things for him, making her parent different, and telling her the different things she was and wasn’t allowed to do. We ended up moving from that house to an apartment where Brett moved in a little later, and this is where things went downhill again. Because they were a “couple” he decided to start making the rules for is all. What would happen in a day is: he goes to work my sister and I go to school, I come home get yelled at from my mom because of her mess, she goes and smokes weed (because he also had a drug issue that he passed on to my mom), I clean the entire apartment make dinner and do my homework, do my night chores ( the entire apartment because they made it a mess again), and then stay up until 3 in the morning to finish my homework. Mind you I’m only on 5th grade at the time. Now this goes on and on for years, but ever so slowly getting worse and worse.

When I was in 7th grade they moved to a new house, and things got worse. They started drinking really hard alcohol and drugs so the screaming got worse, the fighting between them got worse, my punishments got bigger (if the stove wasn’t perfect then I would have everything I owned taken from my room and usually only half of it would get back to me), and the workload even bigger. This new house had an acre of land now so I had to take care of all of it myself, on top of the massive size of the house (4500 sq feet) and school all made life impossible. After being in the house about a year Brett started to shove me and threaten to beat me. I told people about that and when my mom and Brett found out said I lied and made this huge thing of none of that happened, then threatened that if anyone else heard of it I would be put into a  juvenile facility.

My mom left Brett and I went and stayed with my aunt and uncle (who I am now with permanently). My mom went back to him a couple of times, but I never went back. She is now homeless because he threatens to kill her and so she left, and she has a “boyfriend” from the mental hospital she went to in the last couple months because of her bipolar and other mental health issues. My sister is with her grandparents, and I haven’t seen or talked to them in almost 3 months. My sister because I don’t have a way to talk to her, and my mom because I want nothing to do with her.

I’m currently in 10th grade (for America not sure of its different around the world), and have been with my aunt and uncle for almost 6 months. They are helping me with all that in processing and dealing with like my nightmares and aggression. I’m also with my 2 cousins (5 and 1.5 years old) who are the main reasons that I work through what I went through. So as of now I’m finally out of the 15 years of abuse and in a place that is safe.

I know this is a tough read, but Zion is such an amazing person and is now starting to deal with his past. If anyone reading this wants to talk to me about this post, or if you just want to have a chat, please email me. Or if you would like to speak to Zion about his experiences, or if you have been through something similar please feel free to get in touch with him (ziondutro@gmail.com). Thank you for reading.

Rant #1 – Universities

I mentioned in my last post that I wanted to do a series where I rant about things, because my blog is much too positive as it is! Plus, who doesn’t love a good whine!

So, my first thing I’m going to moan about is the Universities in England. Now I was lucky and managed to get into University without any trouble. My boyfriend, on the other hand, did not. The school system is designed to make him fail! He’s dyslexic and autistic, yet he’s expected to get a grade C in English before any University will accept him. He has taken this English exam 3 times, and is taking it again, tomorrow. Each time he has been one or two marks off. How is this fair?

In England there’s a thing called “Clearing” where if Universities have spaces left you can apply for them, my boyfriend has tried this and each of them have said they can’t make a decision until he passes this exam. We’re stuck in a limbo. He gets more and more stressed about the exam each time, and this is it. Tomorrow is his last chance.

So Universities, if you’re reading this… Do something! I understand that having a good level of English helps you to do well in University, but come on, if you have places available and students who want to get in, what’s the problem?! My boyfriend got better college grades than we were expecting (equivalent to 3 A’s at A-level) and a B in Maths and you still can’t make an exception?! Ughhh!

Okay, I’m done. Have any of you had similar problems? Or have you had problems with your school? As ever, thanks for reading and please feel free to get in touch 🙂