Rant #2 Agar.io (A.k.a. The Most Frustrating Game Ever!)

11939443_158017097868875_1337878180_o

Proudest Moment of my Life.

I can’t be the only one who has played this game, right? Recently I’ve been obsessed with it! It’s called Agar.io, and basically you start off as a tiny cell and you have to go around eating the colourful dots (nutrients) and other cells that are smaller than you. Sounds simple, right? Nope! It is so frustrating. This game brings out the worst in me. Usually I’m quite a peaceful, content person, but after 5 minutes of this game I’m swearing like a sailor. Especially when some idiot eats you when you’ve spent 30 minutes trying to get to the top of the leader board. But, I did it! I was the biggest cell! One of the proudest moments of my life? Absolutely!

Please tell me I’m not the only one who plays this! Let me know in the comments if any of you have experienced the addictive frustration that is Agar.io. Thanks for reading 🙂

Well, that didn’t go well…

I’m so sorry. I’m not even sure why I’m apologising, I mean my actions don’t effect you. But I feel like I have some responsibility to be the strong one here, the one that people look to, the one that has made this remarkable recovery from the shy suicidal girl I was 5 years ago to the strong beautiful woman I am now. But I broke down today. I self harmed. In public. I had a tantrum. In public. I didn’t even care, I was too far gone.

My boyfriend and I had an argument. This doesn’t happen very often, we have little arguments or bickers but we never have arguments like this. I’d had a shit day, to be honest. My mum has been ill for a little while, but today she actually had a day off work so I had to look after her. I had so much housework to do and my little brother doesn’t lift a finger at all. I was then told by my mum that I would have to start tutoring my little brother once a week as well, and starting next week I’d be babysitting my cousin one day a week from 7am-7pm. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother and my cousin and I don’t blame my mum for being ill but sometimes the pressure is a lot.

Ever since I was very little (about 10) my parents have worked a lot to keep us afloat, so since then the housework has pretty much all fallen on me. So everyday I do two loads of washing, and usually an hour of ironing, I wash up the dishes twice a day, hoover once a week, and generally clean the house once a week. Then I work 3 nights a week from 5pm-10pm, I tutor one night a week and weekends if it’s exam season, I look after my brother, and I still managed to get the top grades in my class and get a scholarship to University. Sometimes I just feel like it’s too much for me to deal with.

Then my boyfriend comes home and we go for a walk and he starts telling me that I shouldn’t be doing everything, and that I’m miserable, and I’m being moody. It was so stressful, he started yelling at me and I couldn’t handle it… So I ran. I literally ran away from him like a child. Then I sat on the ground because I couldn’t breathe, I was having a panic attack. He stood over me and continued to yell at me. He said I spend too much time on my computer and I need to get out more. Yeah, that’s exactly what you should say to someone with anxiety. He saw I was struggling and he didn’t help at all.

I wasn’t thinking straight, I stood up and I looked him in the eye and I dragged my wrist against a brick wall. And I did it again. And again. Months without self harm and now I’m back here again. Wrist bandaged up, laughing with my parents at how clumsy I am.

To be fair, this time is better. I’m okay now, we spoke and we made up and I know he’s under so much stress too. He apologised and so did I. We spoke about what we can do to make things better and we made a list pf practical things to help us in case we’re ever in this situation again.

I do feel like I’ve let you all down. Honestly, that’s what has upset me the most. How pathetic is that? But I just care about you all so much, I want to be a role model for you all. I don’t want to be weak. I just feel like I’m under so much stress right now. I guess the main reason is because my childhood finished at age 10. And now I’m 18 I’m no longer a child and I guess that made me realise I can never get those years back, I can never be a child. That’s it. I’m an adult now.

I’m so sorry this is not a happy post, but I feel so much better now. I think I just needed to release my stress, and yes I should have gone about it in a better way but I still feel strong. Even if I have to type this with one hand, I’m doing a good job though! I think it’s the years of practice when I type while drinking tea at the same time!

I hope you are all having a better day than I am, and as always if you ever need me please get in touch. x