Updates, University, and Unicorns.

Hey my beautiful readers,

I just wanted to give you an update as to why I haven’t really been present on here for the past few days. I’m currently sitting in a strange old building, surrounded by cats, and waiting for my Chinese takeaway to arrive. My boyfriend and I are looking after his dad’s hotel at the moment so we’ve been pretty busy! Between crawling through windows when guest lock in all of their sets of keys, to feeding all of Kyle’s dad’s horses and cats, we’ve barely sat down!

I want to give a massive thank you to everyone who commented on my post about Kyle not getting into University, we were both amazed at all the support we got. You’re all wonderful! Kyle is now planning on taking a gap year and reapplying for University next year, and at least this allows him to pass his driving test before he goes to University.

Most of you will know by now I’m also going to University this year, and I’m actually starting this Sunday! I’ll be moving from my tiny little town in the countryside to the big city of London, and I am terrified! I’ve already spoken to the people I’ll be living with and they seem awesome! Plus, they’re so understanding about my social anxiety which I am so relieved about. I just wanted to warn you all that my posting may become less frequent when I start University, but I promise I’ll never forget about you!

Thank you so much for reading, and as always if you want to get in touch please email me!

P.S: You may be wondering why I used the word Unicorn in my title. To be honest, it’s mostly because it sounds good, but it’s also because my boyfriend and I were playing charades and I had to pretend to be a unicorn. Because we’re sophisticated adults like that! Oh dear, I’m never going to survive at Uni!

Dear 12 year old me,

Dear 12 year old me,

I am writing this letter to inform you that things will get better. Those angry scars across your thigh will fade, and your wrists will stop being a canvas for your pain. I promise. I know things are Goddamn awful for you, and I’m so, so sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong, I promise.

I know the Bad Man made you scared, but please don’t believe a word he says. You are beautiful. You are strong. You can keep fighting. This is the year he goes away. I know that seems impossible but it’s true, he will never lay a finger on you again. So keep going. Cry into your pillow, it doesn’t make you weak. Get out of bed, I know it’s the hardest task of the day, but you can do it. Talk to your parents, please, you’re scaring them.

In the future you’ll ace your exams (A*’s in Biology, Chemistry, and Physics!) and you’ll go to an amazing college. There will be a boy in the hallway, the one looking dorky and cute, the one smiling at you. Go talk to him. Or just do what I did and get really nervous and make a stupid joke…then run away awkwardly. But it’s okay, because your paths will cross again! You’ll go on a school trip, where you’re sat in a “train crash” so the emergency services can practice rescuing you. You’ll be covered in fake blood, wearing hospital scrubs, surrounded by smoke, and screaming people… and he’ll be sitting next to you making even stupider jokes and being just as awkward as you are.

This boy will make you realise how amazing you truly are. He’ll kiss your scars. He’ll hold you all night to keep the nightmares away. But most of all, he’ll be there for you. He knows your past, he’s intertwined in your present, and you’ll plan your future together.

Your future is filled with love, and hope, and opportunities. So please put the razor down, untie the rope, and look around you because the World is so beautiful. Just like you.

Lots of love,

Amy

(Written for Teens Tell Their Story)

Rant #1 – Universities

I mentioned in my last post that I wanted to do a series where I rant about things, because my blog is much too positive as it is! Plus, who doesn’t love a good whine!

So, my first thing I’m going to moan about is the Universities in England. Now I was lucky and managed to get into University without any trouble. My boyfriend, on the other hand, did not. The school system is designed to make him fail! He’s dyslexic and autistic, yet he’s expected to get a grade C in English before any University will accept him. He has taken this English exam 3 times, and is taking it again, tomorrow. Each time he has been one or two marks off. How is this fair?

In England there’s a thing called “Clearing” where if Universities have spaces left you can apply for them, my boyfriend has tried this and each of them have said they can’t make a decision until he passes this exam. We’re stuck in a limbo. He gets more and more stressed about the exam each time, and this is it. Tomorrow is his last chance.

So Universities, if you’re reading this… Do something! I understand that having a good level of English helps you to do well in University, but come on, if you have places available and students who want to get in, what’s the problem?! My boyfriend got better college grades than we were expecting (equivalent to 3 A’s at A-level) and a B in Maths and you still can’t make an exception?! Ughhh!

Okay, I’m done. Have any of you had similar problems? Or have you had problems with your school? As ever, thanks for reading and please feel free to get in touch 🙂

I’m back from my holiday!

I’m home! I have been without internet for days and I was starting to get withdrawal symptoms! My boyfriend and I have just got home from our holiday, and I just wanted to say thank you for all the lovely comments and emails wishing us a happy holiday. It was brilliant! I had no work, no responsibility, just tons of food, it was perfect.

We went to a theme park where I discovered my boyfriend is fearless and I’m such a coward! And we spent approximately 48 hours in the arcades on the 2p machines where I spent a week’s worth of wages, but it was totally worth it 🙂 Do they have 2p machines in other countries? If not, you guys are missing out! Basically, they’re machines where you put 2p’s (money) into the machine, it falls down and falls into a pit of other 2p’s, then the machine pushes the money along and the toys that are on top of the money end up falling down. I explained that so badly, but that’s the best I can do. So I basically spent £30 to win a bunch of keyrings, stationary, and other random junk I will never use. But it was fun 🙂 I also may have unknowingly flirted with a guy who works there because whilst I was talking to him he winked at me and handed me a tub of free stuff (don’t tell Kyle :P)

2p Machines!!

Three days without internet let me do a lot of thinking, and I realised I complain a lot!! So I’m thinking about doing a series on here just ranting about things. Don’t worry, they won’t be too serious, but I think it’ll be very therapeutic (especially whilst I’m at University) so keep a look out for that 🙂

I’m going on holiday!

Finally! I am taking a (well deserved) break from everything! For four days I will have no work, no tutoring, no housework, no annoying brother, and no responsibilities and I couldn’t be happier. Okay, we’re not going to anywhere exotic, we’re not even going out of the country, but my boyfriend and I are going to visit his family in Essex and I’m so excited! However, I won’t be able to get much internet access to reply to any of you but please, still get in touch if you need to and I’ll reply as soon as I can. I’ve got a ton of blog awards to do so I’ll schedule a few of those whilst I’m gone.

I’ll be scheduling this post for Sunday morning, so whilst you’re reading this I’ll probably be driving up to Essex 🙂

As always, thanks for reading!

Blind Love

A little while ago I saw a video on my Facebook page. Its an advertisement for Coca Cola where 6 strangers are put in a dark room, and they get to know each other without seeing what they look like. I think almost everyone reading this judges people on their looks, whether they mean to or not. I wanted to see what it would be like to get to know someone, but without judging them on their looks. Of course, I called my boyfriend in (you must get sick of hearing about him!) We sat opposite each other and closed our eyes, and I asked him to tell me about himself.

He told me about his passions for reading, and animals, and he told me about his struggles with autism and ADHD. He’s trying to write a book. He’s going to University this year to study Psychology. He has a wonderful girlfriend he loves. All of this I already knew, but it was strange, after he’d been talking for a while I started to form a picture in my head of this man. His deep voice made me think he was tall, and strong, perhaps muscly? His love of books and phycology made me think he was dorky, perhaps he looked like a University professor with glasses and a suit. The way he spoke about his girlfriend made me think he was older, he just sounded so mature and he sounded like he honestly thought she was one of the most beautiful and incredible people he has ever met.

Firstly, I now know how my boyfriend talks about me to strangers. And I love it. I think how you speak about someone when they’re not around says a lot about your relationship with them, so it was nice to hear how lovingly he spoke about me.

Then, while my eyes were still closed, he asked me if I would still date him. Honestly, yes. If Kyle had introduced himself to me like this, and I couldn’t see what he looked like, I’d still go on a date with him. His personality was amazing, and I think this made me realise how great a person he truly is. The way he seemed so excited about his passions, and he just seemed so positive about everything. I think I fell in love with him a little bit more that day because I realised that looks were nothing in our relationship. Someday we’ll both be old, and wrinkly, and now I know that even then we’ll still be in love because I’m with someone who is so great to talk to it won’t matter what we look like.

If anyone reading this would like to do this, I definitely say go for it! And if you do, please let me know so I can see how you found it. Thank you for reading.

Well, that didn’t go well…

I’m so sorry. I’m not even sure why I’m apologising, I mean my actions don’t effect you. But I feel like I have some responsibility to be the strong one here, the one that people look to, the one that has made this remarkable recovery from the shy suicidal girl I was 5 years ago to the strong beautiful woman I am now. But I broke down today. I self harmed. In public. I had a tantrum. In public. I didn’t even care, I was too far gone.

My boyfriend and I had an argument. This doesn’t happen very often, we have little arguments or bickers but we never have arguments like this. I’d had a shit day, to be honest. My mum has been ill for a little while, but today she actually had a day off work so I had to look after her. I had so much housework to do and my little brother doesn’t lift a finger at all. I was then told by my mum that I would have to start tutoring my little brother once a week as well, and starting next week I’d be babysitting my cousin one day a week from 7am-7pm. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother and my cousin and I don’t blame my mum for being ill but sometimes the pressure is a lot.

Ever since I was very little (about 10) my parents have worked a lot to keep us afloat, so since then the housework has pretty much all fallen on me. So everyday I do two loads of washing, and usually an hour of ironing, I wash up the dishes twice a day, hoover once a week, and generally clean the house once a week. Then I work 3 nights a week from 5pm-10pm, I tutor one night a week and weekends if it’s exam season, I look after my brother, and I still managed to get the top grades in my class and get a scholarship to University. Sometimes I just feel like it’s too much for me to deal with.

Then my boyfriend comes home and we go for a walk and he starts telling me that I shouldn’t be doing everything, and that I’m miserable, and I’m being moody. It was so stressful, he started yelling at me and I couldn’t handle it… So I ran. I literally ran away from him like a child. Then I sat on the ground because I couldn’t breathe, I was having a panic attack. He stood over me and continued to yell at me. He said I spend too much time on my computer and I need to get out more. Yeah, that’s exactly what you should say to someone with anxiety. He saw I was struggling and he didn’t help at all.

I wasn’t thinking straight, I stood up and I looked him in the eye and I dragged my wrist against a brick wall. And I did it again. And again. Months without self harm and now I’m back here again. Wrist bandaged up, laughing with my parents at how clumsy I am.

To be fair, this time is better. I’m okay now, we spoke and we made up and I know he’s under so much stress too. He apologised and so did I. We spoke about what we can do to make things better and we made a list pf practical things to help us in case we’re ever in this situation again.

I do feel like I’ve let you all down. Honestly, that’s what has upset me the most. How pathetic is that? But I just care about you all so much, I want to be a role model for you all. I don’t want to be weak. I just feel like I’m under so much stress right now. I guess the main reason is because my childhood finished at age 10. And now I’m 18 I’m no longer a child and I guess that made me realise I can never get those years back, I can never be a child. That’s it. I’m an adult now.

I’m so sorry this is not a happy post, but I feel so much better now. I think I just needed to release my stress, and yes I should have gone about it in a better way but I still feel strong. Even if I have to type this with one hand, I’m doing a good job though! I think it’s the years of practice when I type while drinking tea at the same time!

I hope you are all having a better day than I am, and as always if you ever need me please get in touch. x