Dear 12 year old me,

Dear 12 year old me,

I am writing this letter to inform you that things will get better. Those angry scars across your thigh will fade, and your wrists will stop being a canvas for your pain. I promise. I know things are Goddamn awful for you, and I’m so, so sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong, I promise.

I know the Bad Man made you scared, but please don’t believe a word he says. You are beautiful. You are strong. You can keep fighting. This is the year he goes away. I know that seems impossible but it’s true, he will never lay a finger on you again. So keep going. Cry into your pillow, it doesn’t make you weak. Get out of bed, I know it’s the hardest task of the day, but you can do it. Talk to your parents, please, you’re scaring them.

In the future you’ll ace your exams (A*’s in Biology, Chemistry, and Physics!) and you’ll go to an amazing college. There will be a boy in the hallway, the one looking dorky and cute, the one smiling at you. Go talk to him. Or just do what I did and get really nervous and make a stupid joke…then run away awkwardly. But it’s okay, because your paths will cross again! You’ll go on a school trip, where you’re sat in a “train crash” so the emergency services can practice rescuing you. You’ll be covered in fake blood, wearing hospital scrubs, surrounded by smoke, and screaming people… and he’ll be sitting next to you making even stupider jokes and being just as awkward as you are.

This boy will make you realise how amazing you truly are. He’ll kiss your scars. He’ll hold you all night to keep the nightmares away. But most of all, he’ll be there for you. He knows your past, he’s intertwined in your present, and you’ll plan your future together.

Your future is filled with love, and hope, and opportunities. So please put the razor down, untie the rope, and look around you because the World is so beautiful. Just like you.

Lots of love,

Amy

(Written for Teens Tell Their Story)

Advertisements

GUEST POST (*Trigger Warning* Child Abuse)

A little while after I started this blog I started talking with another blogger, Zion. I consider him to be a very good friend now, and after exchanging emails for a while I discovered that, although he is only 15 years old, he had a very challenging upbringing. A couple of days ago Zion asked me if he could write a summary of his experiences growing up, and if he could publish them here. The following is just an overview of his childhood and he chose not to talk about some aspects. I would be extremely grateful if you could show some love for this wonderful guy, I know it wasn’t easy for him to do this, so if you could give him all your support it would mean the world. Thank you.

I was born into an abusive household, the abuse wasn’t towards me, but my mom and 5 aunts. Before I was 8 months old my mom left and I was homeless for about 3 years of my life being in and out of motels, or someone’s room for rent that we would be kicked out of for not being able to pay. My mom started staying with “friends” of hers from when she was younger when I was almost 4. They were really controlling and mean to her making her do things because it was “the best choice” when it was really because they wanted her to. My biological dad wasn’t around my life until around then when I spent a grand total of 1 hour with him before he dropped off the face of the earth again.

During this time my mom met her first husband she would marry. His name was Steve. The guy was really creepy and I had just a bad feeling about him. My mom and Him would have sex all the time when I was in the room with them, and they would tell me to just look at the TV. Thankfully I did just that and didn’t see them do anything. They got married about 3 weeks before Christmas  and during their honeymoon my mom got pregnant with my sister.

Now that my they were married they moved into a apartment and that’s where my abuse started. When ever my mom wasn’t home (which was a lot because she was going to school) he would beat me for doing just about anything. I couldn’t breath without the fear of being punched or slapped or kicked. Once my sister was born it got worse, my mom started getting into the abuse. She would lock me in the bedroom for hours and only let me out to eat or for school (I was in 1st grade at this point) or when someone came over to the house. If I had to go to the bathroom I would be hit and yelled at for it and wouldn’t be allowed out for a meal, or something like that.

After less than a year they got a divorce because he cheated, so my mom, sister, and I went to a city a few hours away with her friends.  I was really far behind in school because they tried to “homeschool” me after the school questioned the bruises I was getting. The “homeschool” was really just them keeping me home all day cleaning and getting beaten. While we were living there, the abuse stopped, and her friends took really great care of me. I didn’t get locked in a room, or have the crap beat out of me, or have to do ridiculous amounts of work.

I started 2nd grade there and sadly had to leave only a few weeks into school because my mom moved on with my sisters grandparents. There I started getting treated like crap again. My sisters grandparents treated her as if she was God and me like I was the scum of the earth. After her grandpa had a crazy melt down and got super drunk, my mom moved out and we started staying with the person names heather and her hell spawn of a daughter. Her daughter was 8, and would bite, scratch, kick, yell, cuss out, and just about anything else you can think of on a daily basis. Her mom would just make excuses for her being crazy. At school (I’m now in 3rd grade) some kids would call her the Devil’s daughter because of how she would act.

I had to say with them about a year before we moved into a house with just my mom sister and I. She let her friend from when she was younger move in and his name was Brett, and he started cheating on his girlfriend with my mom. He slowly but surely started making my mom do things for him, making her parent different, and telling her the different things she was and wasn’t allowed to do. We ended up moving from that house to an apartment where Brett moved in a little later, and this is where things went downhill again. Because they were a “couple” he decided to start making the rules for is all. What would happen in a day is: he goes to work my sister and I go to school, I come home get yelled at from my mom because of her mess, she goes and smokes weed (because he also had a drug issue that he passed on to my mom), I clean the entire apartment make dinner and do my homework, do my night chores ( the entire apartment because they made it a mess again), and then stay up until 3 in the morning to finish my homework. Mind you I’m only on 5th grade at the time. Now this goes on and on for years, but ever so slowly getting worse and worse.

When I was in 7th grade they moved to a new house, and things got worse. They started drinking really hard alcohol and drugs so the screaming got worse, the fighting between them got worse, my punishments got bigger (if the stove wasn’t perfect then I would have everything I owned taken from my room and usually only half of it would get back to me), and the workload even bigger. This new house had an acre of land now so I had to take care of all of it myself, on top of the massive size of the house (4500 sq feet) and school all made life impossible. After being in the house about a year Brett started to shove me and threaten to beat me. I told people about that and when my mom and Brett found out said I lied and made this huge thing of none of that happened, then threatened that if anyone else heard of it I would be put into a  juvenile facility.

My mom left Brett and I went and stayed with my aunt and uncle (who I am now with permanently). My mom went back to him a couple of times, but I never went back. She is now homeless because he threatens to kill her and so she left, and she has a “boyfriend” from the mental hospital she went to in the last couple months because of her bipolar and other mental health issues. My sister is with her grandparents, and I haven’t seen or talked to them in almost 3 months. My sister because I don’t have a way to talk to her, and my mom because I want nothing to do with her.

I’m currently in 10th grade (for America not sure of its different around the world), and have been with my aunt and uncle for almost 6 months. They are helping me with all that in processing and dealing with like my nightmares and aggression. I’m also with my 2 cousins (5 and 1.5 years old) who are the main reasons that I work through what I went through. So as of now I’m finally out of the 15 years of abuse and in a place that is safe.

I know this is a tough read, but Zion is such an amazing person and is now starting to deal with his past. If anyone reading this wants to talk to me about this post, or if you just want to have a chat, please email me. Or if you would like to speak to Zion about his experiences, or if you have been through something similar please feel free to get in touch with him (ziondutro@gmail.com). Thank you for reading.

GUEST POST: Have Faith In The Universe – by Sean

I’ve been in touch with a lovely blogger, Sean, and I want to say a big thank you to him for allowing me to post this wonderful piece.

Hello everyone…

Let’s discuss Depression today. I’ve been in that dark place before and it’s not something I ever want to go back to, actually I’ve been there twice. Once when my mother passed away then in my Sophomore year in High school. These would have to be the hardest times in my life and I’m thankful I was able to come out of the dark cave. Let me dive deeper.

I was nine years old when I lost my Mom to Breast Cancer. It was horrific and sad, but the thing that depressed me was that, neither of my parents would be around. My father, I can only guess what he’s doing right now but anyway, I didn’t have either of my parents. I ended up living with my older sister who is great but the thing was, my mother was gone as well as my father. I fell into a depression because I felt like a burden on my older sisters. One was working and the other already had a family of her own so what was a Sean suppose to do? I remained depressed for the next two years. I never thought about killing myself but I didn’t want to be alive. I was 11 now and I was more mature. I had to grow up and come to the harsh realization that the world did not owe me anything. The universe took my mother and I had to deal with that. Once I came to terms with my mother’s passing, I got better. Things got better. For a while I had to fake my own happiness until I eventually was happy and it wasn’t until I was 13 when I realized I was finally better and my laughter and smiles were actually genuine.

It was my Sophomore year in High school and it felt like I was losing my mind. Not only were my grades sub par but I felt as if I wasn’t sleeping or enjoying myself. No matter what I did I was not happy. (Again with the theme of happiness.) I felt this way until the summer going into my junior year. During the summer I lived on a college campus as part of this program I am involved in, isolated from everything I knew was troubling me. My friends within the program helped me through this tough time. They believed they were just being my friends but little did they know, they helped me through and out of my depressed phase. Along with coming out of my depressed phase, I also grew into my own body. I used to always say I was a 9 year old in a 22 year old’s body, (I have the body of a 22 year old college football player) but I finally grew into myself. My personality evolved, I became the Sean I was born to be.

Depression can be tricky. Depending on if the issue is internal or external there are different ways of handling it. The depression with my Mom was dealt with internally, it just happened that I molded into being happy. The depression during my 10th grade year was dealt with externally. My friends helped me through it. If you’re depressed or someone you know, tell them that it gets better. TRUST ME. It does. Have faith in the universe.

Sean (forever hopeful)

Thanks again, Sean, and if anyone reading this would like to talk or would like to write a guest post please get in touch!

I avoid the elderly.

That makes me sound like an awful person, right? And it is awful, but unfortunately it’s true. If I see an elderly customer I will be polite to them, but I will finish the transaction as soon as possible. I visit elderly relatives as little as I can. And I absolutely refuse to go to funerals. Why? Because I’m terrified of death and everything that reminds me of it.

When I look at someone so fragile and tired, it just makes me so sad. I’m sure they’ve lived such a wonderful life, it’s just not fair that it has to end. I have quite a few elderly relatives. (My family seem to live forever.) I have two great nans who are still alive, but both of them are very ill, and can hardly walk or eat by themselves. For the past year I’ve made so many excuses to avoid visiting them- I’m sick, I’ve got coursework, I’m seeing friends etc. Anything I can do.

I have never been to a funeral. I want my last memories of my friends and family to be good ones, where they were alive and free and happy. I would hate my last memories of that person to be cold, and filled with sadness. But sometimes I feel so guilty too. I’ve missed out on so many of my loved one’s funerals, and although my parents haven’t said anything about it, I’m so scared they’ll think I don’t care when really it’s the opposite.

It just scares me so much that every memory I have, all my hopes and dreams and achievements will one day not matter. How fair is that?

So, what can I do? Is there any way to get over this fear? Is there anyone out there who feels this way too? I know I can’t keep going on like this forever.

Thank you for reading, and as always I encourage anyone reading this to get in touch with me if they need someone to talk to.

The Sunshine Award!

I want to apologise that it took me so long to do this award post, and also for how long this post will be because I’ve been nominated by four different bloggers!

Here’s the rules:

Questions from Handbook 4 Teens…

  1. What is the hardest thing about being a teen? I think it’s the pressure on us. People tell us to have fun, to live, and to make mistakes… yet they also tell us to be responsible, to be grown up, and to make decisions that will effect us for the rest of our lives! That’s pretty tough.
  2. Do you know how to meditate? Yes. I learnt when I went to therapy. I know a lot of people find therapy relaxing and that’s great, but for me it was awful. It just made me think of all the problems and responsibilities I had and so I started running instead and I love it!
  3. What do you do to relieve stress? I run. Slowly, but I’m still lapping the people who are sitting on their sofa’s watching TV. I also go talk to my friends or my boyfriend and that helps massively.
  4. Do you believe people when they say you can achieve your dreams or do you think it’s BS? I don’t think anyone’s really told me that I can or cannot achieve my dreams. I don’t ever ask. I can do anything I want to, and there’s nothing anyone can say to me to make me think otherwise.
  5.  Apple or Android? Android, and that’s just because I own more Samsung products than Apple.
  6. What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? I would research and make the cure for dementia and Alzheimer’s. That’s the direction I want to take my career and it would be incredible to help improve and save so many people’s lives.
  7. If you had 1 hour in mall where you could pick out anything you wanted, no matter what the price, what would you buy? Can I buy everything? Because that would be awesome! But if I had to buy specifics I would buy lots more Converse because at the moment I only have 3 pairs of shoes, and my pair of Converse are the only ones I wear so it would be nice to have a few more of them 🙂
  8. Chocolate or vanilla? Vanilla. 100%. I’m not actually a massive fan of chocolate, but I love the smell and taste of vanilla…mmmm 😛
  9. What scares you? Lots of things scare me: dentists, big crowds, public speaking, new people and places, panic attacks, spiders, scary movies, embarrassment, losing friends and family, and death.
  10. What song are you currently obsessed with? A good friend of mine showed me this cover of the Game of Thrones theme song and I love it!
  11. If you could choose a superpower what would it be and why? The ability to control time. How awesome would that be?! I could go back or forward in time, and I could get myself out of a lot of awkward situations!

Questions from New Romantics…

  1. What was the weirdest dream you’ve ever had? Oh gosh, I have several dreams a night and almost all of them are really weird! I thought it was normal to have two or three dreams a night, but apparently not! Since there’s been so many I’ll tell you about the most recent one I had last night. I dreamt that I was at Hogwarts and that I was in that part where Harry’s arm gets broken (well, sort of) and his arm is all floppy. But I also had a disco that night so I was dancing with a floppy arm, almost like this!
  2. Who was on your last call log? My boyfriend, Kyle 🙂
  3. Do you believe in God? No. I have hope that there is Something after we die, but I don’t believe in a God.
  4. Do you believe in love at first site? I love romance, but no I don’t believe in this. How can you love someone the first time you see them? Surely you’re just basing your opinions of that person on their looks, and that’s not love. Love takes time and shouldn’t be based solely on what someone looks like.
  5. What was the book you regretted reading? I was given a book by one of my mum’s work mates, The Road Home by Rose Tremain, and it was awful! It was dirty, had a rubbish storyline, and a main character that was pathetic and annoying.
  6. Would you prefer going to school or being home schooled? Hmm, my school was awful. It was known for its bad behaviour, bad grades, and bad teachers. But I made good friends there and it got me to where I wanted to be, so I guess I would still want to go to school rather than be home schooled.
  7. What is the food you could eat forever and not get tired of it? Sweet and salty popcorn…mmmm!
  8. Would you get a tattoo? I think tattoos can be so beautiful! But I am so indecisive, I could never decide on something to be on my body for the rest of my life.
  9. What is the song stuck in your head right now? I have about 100 songs stuck in my head right now! But one of them is Teenagers by My Chemical Romance.
  10. Do you believe in horoscopes? I love reading them, but take no notice of them. They’re so vague and I’m so cynical, so no I don’t believe them.

Questions from Jamerly…

  1. If you could see anyone for the rest of your life, who would it be? My boyfriend. (Sorry, you guys must get sick of hearing about him!!) In case you haven’t read any of my posts, he’s a sweetheart 🙂
  2. What got you into writing? I wanted to spread positivity and to help others, so if anyone of you need a cheap therapist I’m here for you 🙂
  3. Why do you keep writing? Because of my lovely blogging family! All the support and love I get from you guys is what keeps me going.
  4. What is one item you remember when someone says “childhood” and why? The BFG by Roald Dahl. I was the first person in my class to learn how to read and my childhood was filled with books, but this was always my favourite and I still have my copy in my room.
  5. What song defines your life at the moment? I love so many songs at the moment. My friend sent me this song this morning though and I think it’s something everyone should watch/hear.
  6. If you could be another person (besides yourself) who would you be? I’d be Jennifer Lawrence, she just seems really cool and down to Earth.
  7. What is your perfect date? Stargazing. I love the stars, and I would love it if my boyfriend organised a stargazing date for us! (If you’re reading this Kyle, take note!)
  8. What is your favourite day? My favourite day was the day I met my boyfriend, it was perfect! And also when I got my scholarship for University, that was an amazing day too!
  9. If you could only say one more sentence to your mum, what would it be? “I love you” would probably be a good start. “You’re an amazing mum, you’re beautiful, and you need to remember to take care of yourself.”.
  10. How do you feel right now? I feel kind of nervous today because I had to go to the dentist this morning which is terrifying for me, but I didn’t cry or have a panic attack and they said my teeth were in good condition, yay! Also, I should find out tomorrow exactly what I’ve got to do to keep my scholarship, and I should find out whether I’ve got a flat on my University campus which I’m a bit nervous about too.
  11. How do you wish to feel tomorrow? Hopefully I’ll feel more relaxed and happy because I’ll know more about my University scholarship and accommodation.

Questions from A Teenage Diary Online…

  1. Do you have a favourite band? If I had to pick one it would be Fall Out Boy, because there’s very rarely a band where I love every single one of their songs but with FOB I haven’t found a song of theirs I don’t like.
  2. Who is your favourite YouTuber? I don’t actually spend a lot of time on YouTube, but if I had to pick one it would be Danisnotonfire just because he’s as awkward and dorky as I am!
  3. If you could go to one fictional world where would it be? I would love to go to the world of Adventure Time, ugh sorry that’s so dorky! But it’s true, that would be awesome!
  4. What’s your favourite shoe brand? Converse! They look awesome, they’re comfy, and you can run away in them if you need to. Perfect!
  5. Can you play any musical instruments? Nope, not a single one 😦 I have no coordination so every instrument I’ve tried to play I have failed at. I just think my brain is more technically wired.
  6. What’s your favourite animal? Giraffes! They’re so tall and they’re so loving. I managed to convince a zookeeper at my local zoo to let me feed the giraffes and it was amazing! I had no idea how I managed to convince him, but I got some awesome photos of me feeding baby giraffes 🙂
  7. Have you ever experienced the “crazy naked guy”? Pfftt, I took that guy down! My friend and I threatened to call the police on him, and he shut down his account. You’re welcome 😛
  8. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be? This Song Saved My Life, by Simple Plan. Just because it means so much to me.
  9. What is the most prized possession you own? But… I love all my things. I collect a lot of things and have tons of “memory boxes”, scrapbooks, and I form an attachment to pretty much everything in my room. If I had to pick one thing it would be my first ever scrapbook that I made where I recorded everything important I did from the age of 11-12 and it’s really sweet to look back on it 🙂
  10. What’s your favourite season? Winter, definitely. I can bundle up in big coats and scarves and look all cute and cuddly, and you get Halloween and Christmas, and I love snow 🙂
  11. What do you look for in a guy? I have to admit I do love blue eyes, and I think glasses are so cute! But I also love a sense of humour, I love romance, and I love a guy who is good around kids, someone that’s hardworking is nice, and I love it when a guy is proud to have you as a girlfriend 🙂 (Oh and they have to be really bad at rollerskating so I can show off :P)
  • Nominate 10 other bloggers.
  1. Child Of Cynicism
  2. Xanziepan
  3. Hann
  4. Confused Apple
  5. Kayla
  6. Isoempathy
  7. Mon
  8. Everyone’s Friend
  9. Tiegan
  10. Deep Blues And Sea Foam Greens
  • Give your nominees 11 questions
  1. What are your plans for today?
  2. Have you ever experienced anything paranormal?
  3. Do you have a secret you can share?
  4. What’s your favourite item of clothing that you own?
  5. Do you have a hidden talent?
  6. What’s your favourite movie?
  7. What was the last song you listened to?
  8. When was the last time you actually laughed out loud?
  9. Have you had any really weird dreams?
  10. What was the last text you sent, and who was it to?
  11. Who are your role models?

Phew, I’m finally finished! It only took me three days, but I did it! Well done if you read through all of that, but I don’t blame you if you didn’t! Thanks 🙂

 

 

The Future Challenge!

I love the idea of this challenge! It lets me be all mushy and romantic about the future, so thank you Teenage Lunatics and The Introvert for nominating me 🙂

Here’s the rules:

  • Thank the bloggers who nominated you. Thank you!!
  • Link back to the challenge creator, Dreams and Movie Screens so she can track your progress.
  • Share 5 things about your future (jobs, kids, marriage, travel etc). Then one day you can look back and find out how psychic you really are.
  1. I’ll be working in a hospital or research laboratory. I’ll be spending my days looking at bacteria and cells and viruses and it will be amazing! Then one day you’ll see me on TV as the person who cured dementia and Alzheimer’s, that would be incredible. To know that I personally saved lives will be the best feeling in the World.
  2. My boyfriend will be my husband. I know, I’m only 18! But I still love Kyle as much as I did when I first met him when I was 16, in fact Kyle is just so intertwined into my life I honestly couldn’t imagine a future without him.
  3. I’ll have a home with a library. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember! I love books, I just don’t have much time to read a much as I used to unfortunately (one of the many side effects of having two jobs, you have no time). But I have so many books and I’d love to have a room filled with them! At the minute I’m in the smallest room in my house, and only having a room that’s 3 x 3 metres wide means my books take up 90% of the space. Seriously, they’re on every single side, every shelf, and stacked up in my wardrobe. At this point I’d be happy if there was a bookcase in my future!
  4. I’ll have children. I’m from a massive family where there’s always children around (I have 50 cousins!!) and as many of you know I’ve been looking after my brother since I was 10. I’ve done countless school runs, nappy changes, and I’ve racked up millions of hours of babysitting. I’ve also been mistaken for a mother approximately 8billion times. So yes, I do love children and I would love to have some of my own in the future.
  5. I want to be happy. For a very long time I was so unhappy, and it sucks! I think so many people take being happy for granted. But being unhappy from a very young age, to suddenly being happy makes me appreciate every single second. It’s an amazing feeling!
  • Tag 5 bloggers and put them up to the challenge.
  1. Emily
  2. Confused Apple
  3. Call Me Elle
  4. Vintage x Smiles
  5. Mon

Thank you for reading!

GUEST POST: Book Review of ‘Looking For JJ’ by Anne Cassidy- by The Teenage Bookaholic

I have always wanted to do book reviews on my site, but I just don’t have the time to consistently read so the wonderful Teenage Bookaholic offered to write one for me! This is a review of Looking for JJ, by Anne Cassidy…

“She should have died on that day. Perhaps, in a way, she had.”
Anne Cassidy ,Looking for JJ

Looking for JJ is an inspiring novel about a young girl called Jennifer who is given the chance to start again. Jennifer Jones has dark and violent past, but when she gets the chance to become Alice Tully she is determined to start again. She gets a job, a boyfriend and a new home. However JJ soon discovers that you can never escape your past. This book taught me that everyone deserves a second chance no matter what they have done or who they are.

Anne Cassidy is a very talented writer, I thought that the way she flipped between Jennifer’s past and her new life was clever and complex. I loved the fact that Jennifer’s new life was no different to anyone else’s and yet she had so many skeletons in her closet. All of the characters in this book were complex and extremely well thought out. Anne Cassidy made all of these characters real and 3D. What I loved most about this book was definitely the fact that this kind of thing really does happen, young children are constantly being rehomed and renamed because of their past. This story is one that stays with you for a long time, and one that is remarkably dark yet uplifting in a way that no other book is.

Looking for JJ is part of a sequel along with Finding Jennifer Jones, I would recommend both but Looking for JJ is definitely my favourite out of the two. I would recommend Looking for JJ for people over the age of 12, this is because if you are any younger you may not understand some of the terms used in the book. This book is by no means inappropriate but if you don’t like crime books, even though this one is mild I wouldn’t recommend you read it.

Looking for JJ is one of the most hard hitting books I’ve ever read. Before I read this book I thought that people who had done bad things should be punished, but this book taught me that people make mistakes that they regret and that living with the grief of what they have done is punishment enough.
Thank you so much for doing this review for me, and thank you for reading this 🙂 If anyone reading this would like to do a guest post please email me at: aleve44@hotmail.com.