Dear 12 year old me,

Dear 12 year old me,

I am writing this letter to inform you that things will get better. Those angry scars across your thigh will fade, and your wrists will stop being a canvas for your pain. I promise. I know things are Goddamn awful for you, and I’m so, so sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong, I promise.

I know the Bad Man made you scared, but please don’t believe a word he says. You are beautiful. You are strong. You can keep fighting. This is the year he goes away. I know that seems impossible but it’s true, he will never lay a finger on you again. So keep going. Cry into your pillow, it doesn’t make you weak. Get out of bed, I know it’s the hardest task of the day, but you can do it. Talk to your parents, please, you’re scaring them.

In the future you’ll ace your exams (A*’s in Biology, Chemistry, and Physics!) and you’ll go to an amazing college. There will be a boy in the hallway, the one looking dorky and cute, the one smiling at you. Go talk to him. Or just do what I did and get really nervous and make a stupid joke…then run away awkwardly. But it’s okay, because your paths will cross again! You’ll go on a school trip, where you’re sat in a “train crash” so the emergency services can practice rescuing you. You’ll be covered in fake blood, wearing hospital scrubs, surrounded by smoke, and screaming people… and he’ll be sitting next to you making even stupider jokes and being just as awkward as you are.

This boy will make you realise how amazing you truly are. He’ll kiss your scars. He’ll hold you all night to keep the nightmares away. But most of all, he’ll be there for you. He knows your past, he’s intertwined in your present, and you’ll plan your future together.

Your future is filled with love, and hope, and opportunities. So please put the razor down, untie the rope, and look around you because the World is so beautiful. Just like you.

Lots of love,

Amy

(Written for Teens Tell Their Story)

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We’re going to University!!

We did it!! (Well, Kyle did it). As many of you know from my previous posts, my boyfriend Kyle has been struggling to get into University because his Dyslexia and Autism have stopped him getting a C in his English exam. Despite this, he managed to get 3 A grades in his Forensic Science course, and he got a B in Maths, and this has meant that finally he’s been excepted into University!! I’m beyond proud of him 🙂

Sorry this is such a short post, but I just had to share this with you all! He’s been through so much and finally people are realising how awesome he truly is 🙂

Thanks for reading!

I’m back from my holiday!

I’m home! I have been without internet for days and I was starting to get withdrawal symptoms! My boyfriend and I have just got home from our holiday, and I just wanted to say thank you for all the lovely comments and emails wishing us a happy holiday. It was brilliant! I had no work, no responsibility, just tons of food, it was perfect.

We went to a theme park where I discovered my boyfriend is fearless and I’m such a coward! And we spent approximately 48 hours in the arcades on the 2p machines where I spent a week’s worth of wages, but it was totally worth it 🙂 Do they have 2p machines in other countries? If not, you guys are missing out! Basically, they’re machines where you put 2p’s (money) into the machine, it falls down and falls into a pit of other 2p’s, then the machine pushes the money along and the toys that are on top of the money end up falling down. I explained that so badly, but that’s the best I can do. So I basically spent £30 to win a bunch of keyrings, stationary, and other random junk I will never use. But it was fun 🙂 I also may have unknowingly flirted with a guy who works there because whilst I was talking to him he winked at me and handed me a tub of free stuff (don’t tell Kyle :P)

2p Machines!!

Three days without internet let me do a lot of thinking, and I realised I complain a lot!! So I’m thinking about doing a series on here just ranting about things. Don’t worry, they won’t be too serious, but I think it’ll be very therapeutic (especially whilst I’m at University) so keep a look out for that 🙂

GUEST POST: Have Faith In The Universe – by Sean

I’ve been in touch with a lovely blogger, Sean, and I want to say a big thank you to him for allowing me to post this wonderful piece.

Hello everyone…

Let’s discuss Depression today. I’ve been in that dark place before and it’s not something I ever want to go back to, actually I’ve been there twice. Once when my mother passed away then in my Sophomore year in High school. These would have to be the hardest times in my life and I’m thankful I was able to come out of the dark cave. Let me dive deeper.

I was nine years old when I lost my Mom to Breast Cancer. It was horrific and sad, but the thing that depressed me was that, neither of my parents would be around. My father, I can only guess what he’s doing right now but anyway, I didn’t have either of my parents. I ended up living with my older sister who is great but the thing was, my mother was gone as well as my father. I fell into a depression because I felt like a burden on my older sisters. One was working and the other already had a family of her own so what was a Sean suppose to do? I remained depressed for the next two years. I never thought about killing myself but I didn’t want to be alive. I was 11 now and I was more mature. I had to grow up and come to the harsh realization that the world did not owe me anything. The universe took my mother and I had to deal with that. Once I came to terms with my mother’s passing, I got better. Things got better. For a while I had to fake my own happiness until I eventually was happy and it wasn’t until I was 13 when I realized I was finally better and my laughter and smiles were actually genuine.

It was my Sophomore year in High school and it felt like I was losing my mind. Not only were my grades sub par but I felt as if I wasn’t sleeping or enjoying myself. No matter what I did I was not happy. (Again with the theme of happiness.) I felt this way until the summer going into my junior year. During the summer I lived on a college campus as part of this program I am involved in, isolated from everything I knew was troubling me. My friends within the program helped me through this tough time. They believed they were just being my friends but little did they know, they helped me through and out of my depressed phase. Along with coming out of my depressed phase, I also grew into my own body. I used to always say I was a 9 year old in a 22 year old’s body, (I have the body of a 22 year old college football player) but I finally grew into myself. My personality evolved, I became the Sean I was born to be.

Depression can be tricky. Depending on if the issue is internal or external there are different ways of handling it. The depression with my Mom was dealt with internally, it just happened that I molded into being happy. The depression during my 10th grade year was dealt with externally. My friends helped me through it. If you’re depressed or someone you know, tell them that it gets better. TRUST ME. It does. Have faith in the universe.

Sean (forever hopeful)

Thanks again, Sean, and if anyone reading this would like to talk or would like to write a guest post please get in touch!

How to Run (or walk…or crawl…) for Beginners

As many of you know I’m a runner, a slow runner, but I run none the less. When I first started “running” a year ago I could not physically run for more than 30 seconds. Last night I ran (jogged) for 15 minutes! I know for a lot of you serious runners that may not seem much, but to me it’s a massive achievement! I think a lot of people, especially women, don’t think that they can run. And I understand, I thought the same thing, and I was so self conscious about running too and I know that’s a major problem for a lot of people. So here’s a few tips and pieces of advice on how to get started…

  1. You may not be able to run more than 10 seconds. And that’s okay. What’s important is that you go out, and you run those 10 seconds. Just don’t stop moving. When I started I ran for 30 seconds then walked for 5 minutes, and if that’s all you can do then that’s absolutely fine, just don’t stop moving!
  2. Dress the part. I used to run in really baggy tracksuit bottoms and t-shirts, but as I started to lose weight I brought myself some proper running clothes and it just makes you feel so much more confident! Also, don’t buy really cheap crappy shoes like I did… They will hurt! Give running a go first, but if you’re planning on doing this for the long haul invest in some halfway decent shoes!
  3. Don’t run everyday. I made this mistake! I ran every single morning, until my body was hurting so much and I pulled a muscle in my leg and couldn’t run for the next two weeks. So, pace yourself! If you can, try giving yourself a day’s rest in-between each run. And if you’re a beginner, maybe run 2-3 times a week, that’s probably a good starting point.
  4. Stretch. For the love of all that is holy, please stretch before and after running! There are thousands of YouTube videos and websites showing you a few stretches you can do, and just take 5 minutes before and after running to do them to help prevent injuries.
  5. You don’t have to run in the mornings. Some people are naturally morning people, so if you are then do your running in the morning. But if you’re like me, I much prefer to run in the evening. Find out when you’re at your most energetic and run then.
  6. Please don’t be self-conscious. This was a huge problem for me. I used to wake up at 6am, in winter, and go for a run then because I was terrified of people looking at me. Now I just don’t care. My body has carried me thousands of miles, it has been through hell and yet here it is, looking fabulous! If this really is holding you back though, maybe start off running in the early mornings or later at night. But as you get better and faster and stronger, you’ll start to realise how amazing your body is!
  7. Eat and drink well. How can you expect your body to work hard if you feed it crap? Food is still a big problem for me because I have a habit of snacking. But try to just be more aware of the food you eat, and a lot of people find it really useful to write down what they eat each day. I personally really struggled to cut back on food, especially because my family is really unhealthy. In the end I bought myself healthy snacks, like dried fruit and cereal bars. Anything to stop me eating 5 packets of crisps a day! Also, cut out fizzy drinks. Trust me, they taste absolutely amazing when you haven’t has them in ages! If you drink fizzy drinks everyday, maybe try just having one a week? And try to drink more water!
  8. Treat yourself. Don’t cut out every food you love though! Because this will most likely lead you to quitting and binge-eating. Just eat everything in moderation and you’ll be fine! I know this is easier said than done, but just use your common sense 🙂
  9. Don’t focus on losing weight. Instead, focus on “non-weight related goals”. I made a list of mine, because as you all know, I love lists 🙂 So these may include things like: being able to run from one place to another without stopping, being able to walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath, or maybe you just want to feel good. The weight will drop off if you stick with running and eating better, but I just don’t want anyone to get discouraged because weight loss takes a very long time. This sounds silly, but my main goal was to be able to feel my collarbones. Two years ago I had never felt my collarbones, I wasn’t entirely convinced I even had them! But here they are, and I love them! And if you’re really focused on losing weight, don’t focus on how much you weigh, focus on how many inches you’ve lost around your waist and hips etc. Because as you run you’ll gain muscle, and of course, muscle weighs more than fat so your weight might not drop but seeing those inches go down can be a real motivator.
  10. Running is not for everyone. Despite how much I encourage people to run, it isn’t for everyone. Give it a go, but if you really hate it then don’t do it. Instead, try other forms of exercise. Join a club, try swimming or cycling, or even home workout videos. My favourite is Blogilates, if you don’t want to go outside to get fit then try her videos, they’re amazing!!

I hope this will encourage a few of you at home to get up and run! If it has then I’d love to hear from you, and if you have any more running tips let me know in the comments 🙂

Thanks for reading!

Gratitude…

A few days ago I was contacted by a lovely new blogger, Autumn Accepts, and was asked to write a guest post for her. I liked this post so much that I want to share it with you all on this blog too, but if you could go check out Autumn’s blog too that would be amazing 🙂


Dear Autumn,

I had this whole idea of what I was going to talk about, it would be tragic and heart-warming and honestly it would have been an award-winning performance… But it would have been just that, a performance. You see, I write a lot about my past and all of it is true. From the sexual abuse, to the death of a friend, to the depression, to the anxiety I am still dealing with now. And I was going to write about that again. Until, for once in my life, I looked around me instead of looking over my shoulder.

And do you know what I saw? Well, I saw my bedroom walls to begin with. Painted dark brown, pretty cute right? Then I thought about everyone who doesn’t have that. Some people don’t have four walls, let alone four walls they can call theirs. Then I remembered the reason why my four walls are painted brown. That is because this was my brother’s room, and that dark brown was the result of countless pots of paint and hours of work by my parents. Then I remembered all the people who don’t have their family with them, or they don’t have parents that will drive to the paint shop three times just so their child can pick the perfect colour.

I looked to my left. I see books, and a whole lot of them at that! Overflowing, scruffy, and unorganised, but then I remembered the people who can’t afford to go to school, let alone those who can’t afford books. On top of the books I see a photo frame, the couple inside are awkward and dorky and it’s definitely not their best photo! But I am so grateful that I could be present in that moment, the first party my boyfriend took me to, the one where we drank a little bit too much and we danced badly but we were so in love. Then I remember all those people who can’t show their love, who fear walking down the street with their partner, who cannot get married because a deceitful government says it is immoral.

I looked to my right. I see a window, looking out upon the beautiful English countryside. Okay, my window actually looks out onto a carpark. But then I think about all the people whose windows are wrongfully blocked with bars, the people whose only crimes are standing up for equality, or falling in love.

Lastly, I look right ahead of me. And I see the World. I see all the information known to man, I see my friends who live thousands of miles away, I see infinite opportunities. Then I think of all the people who cannot afford computers, or those whose corrupt governments say that the internet will corrupt their minds.

As I look around I think of how lucky I am to be here, and how lucky I am to have the support of family and friends to help me. Maybe today you could take a look around and, just for one day, think about all the things you are grateful for.

Thank you for reading,

Amy

The Future Challenge!

I love the idea of this challenge! It lets me be all mushy and romantic about the future, so thank you Teenage Lunatics and The Introvert for nominating me 🙂

Here’s the rules:

  • Thank the bloggers who nominated you. Thank you!!
  • Link back to the challenge creator, Dreams and Movie Screens so she can track your progress.
  • Share 5 things about your future (jobs, kids, marriage, travel etc). Then one day you can look back and find out how psychic you really are.
  1. I’ll be working in a hospital or research laboratory. I’ll be spending my days looking at bacteria and cells and viruses and it will be amazing! Then one day you’ll see me on TV as the person who cured dementia and Alzheimer’s, that would be incredible. To know that I personally saved lives will be the best feeling in the World.
  2. My boyfriend will be my husband. I know, I’m only 18! But I still love Kyle as much as I did when I first met him when I was 16, in fact Kyle is just so intertwined into my life I honestly couldn’t imagine a future without him.
  3. I’ll have a home with a library. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember! I love books, I just don’t have much time to read a much as I used to unfortunately (one of the many side effects of having two jobs, you have no time). But I have so many books and I’d love to have a room filled with them! At the minute I’m in the smallest room in my house, and only having a room that’s 3 x 3 metres wide means my books take up 90% of the space. Seriously, they’re on every single side, every shelf, and stacked up in my wardrobe. At this point I’d be happy if there was a bookcase in my future!
  4. I’ll have children. I’m from a massive family where there’s always children around (I have 50 cousins!!) and as many of you know I’ve been looking after my brother since I was 10. I’ve done countless school runs, nappy changes, and I’ve racked up millions of hours of babysitting. I’ve also been mistaken for a mother approximately 8billion times. So yes, I do love children and I would love to have some of my own in the future.
  5. I want to be happy. For a very long time I was so unhappy, and it sucks! I think so many people take being happy for granted. But being unhappy from a very young age, to suddenly being happy makes me appreciate every single second. It’s an amazing feeling!
  • Tag 5 bloggers and put them up to the challenge.
  1. Emily
  2. Confused Apple
  3. Call Me Elle
  4. Vintage x Smiles
  5. Mon

Thank you for reading!