Updates, University, and Unicorns.

Hey my beautiful readers,

I just wanted to give you an update as to why I haven’t really been present on here for the past few days. I’m currently sitting in a strange old building, surrounded by cats, and waiting for my Chinese takeaway to arrive. My boyfriend and I are looking after his dad’s hotel at the moment so we’ve been pretty busy! Between crawling through windows when guest lock in all of their sets of keys, to feeding all of Kyle’s dad’s horses and cats, we’ve barely sat down!

I want to give a massive thank you to everyone who commented on my post about Kyle not getting into University, we were both amazed at all the support we got. You’re all wonderful! Kyle is now planning on taking a gap year and reapplying for University next year, and at least this allows him to pass his driving test before he goes to University.

Most of you will know by now I’m also going to University this year, and I’m actually starting this Sunday! I’ll be moving from my tiny little town in the countryside to the big city of London, and I am terrified! I’ve already spoken to the people I’ll be living with and they seem awesome! Plus, they’re so understanding about my social anxiety which I am so relieved about. I just wanted to warn you all that my posting may become less frequent when I start University, but I promise I’ll never forget about you!

Thank you so much for reading, and as always if you want to get in touch please email me!

P.S: You may be wondering why I used the word Unicorn in my title. To be honest, it’s mostly because it sounds good, but it’s also because my boyfriend and I were playing charades and I had to pretend to be a unicorn. Because we’re sophisticated adults like that! Oh dear, I’m never going to survive at Uni!

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5 Things you learn when you live by yourself for the first time.

For the past two weeks my parents have been on holiday so I have been looking after the house and my younger brother (aged 15). This is the first time I’ve ever been responsible for myself and someone else for longer than a couple of days, so I thought I’d let you in on a few things you learn when you have to fend for yourself for the first time…

  1. Food becomes precious. I have to walk to the shops and get my own food, and then *gasp* I have to cook it myself! This fact meant that any food in our house automatically became priceless and was carefully conserved to maximise the time I could spend in my pyjamas, and to minimise the time I would have to spend outdoors.
  2. Cereal becomes a main part of your diet. When you’ve only got a box of cornflakes and half a pint of milk left in the house, cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner becomes part of your normal lifestyle… and there’s no one to tell you no!
  3. Housework becomes all consuming. When your parents aren’t around to help with the housework, and your little brother refuses to do more than one chore a day, most of the housework falls to you…and it sucks! But if you don’t do it, your house starts to stink and you end up eating cereal out of  saucepan (in my defence I only did this once!)
  4. Every noise instantly becomes a serial killer. So you’re all snuggly in your bed, with a cup of tea in one hand and a book in the other, and you hear a noise. No big deal, your parents will protect you, right? Nope! You’re the responsible adult, and you’ve got a child to protect, so you have to go downstairs and be murdered.
  5. You find yourself doing more and more “adulty” things. Like having to call up the bank by yourself, and picking up your brother’s uniform, and buying healthy foods. And because of that it’s a great learning experience! But let’s be honest, I’m so glad they’re back!

Thanks for reading!

GUEST POST (*Trigger Warning* Child Abuse)

A little while after I started this blog I started talking with another blogger, Zion. I consider him to be a very good friend now, and after exchanging emails for a while I discovered that, although he is only 15 years old, he had a very challenging upbringing. A couple of days ago Zion asked me if he could write a summary of his experiences growing up, and if he could publish them here. The following is just an overview of his childhood and he chose not to talk about some aspects. I would be extremely grateful if you could show some love for this wonderful guy, I know it wasn’t easy for him to do this, so if you could give him all your support it would mean the world. Thank you.

I was born into an abusive household, the abuse wasn’t towards me, but my mom and 5 aunts. Before I was 8 months old my mom left and I was homeless for about 3 years of my life being in and out of motels, or someone’s room for rent that we would be kicked out of for not being able to pay. My mom started staying with “friends” of hers from when she was younger when I was almost 4. They were really controlling and mean to her making her do things because it was “the best choice” when it was really because they wanted her to. My biological dad wasn’t around my life until around then when I spent a grand total of 1 hour with him before he dropped off the face of the earth again.

During this time my mom met her first husband she would marry. His name was Steve. The guy was really creepy and I had just a bad feeling about him. My mom and Him would have sex all the time when I was in the room with them, and they would tell me to just look at the TV. Thankfully I did just that and didn’t see them do anything. They got married about 3 weeks before Christmas  and during their honeymoon my mom got pregnant with my sister.

Now that my they were married they moved into a apartment and that’s where my abuse started. When ever my mom wasn’t home (which was a lot because she was going to school) he would beat me for doing just about anything. I couldn’t breath without the fear of being punched or slapped or kicked. Once my sister was born it got worse, my mom started getting into the abuse. She would lock me in the bedroom for hours and only let me out to eat or for school (I was in 1st grade at this point) or when someone came over to the house. If I had to go to the bathroom I would be hit and yelled at for it and wouldn’t be allowed out for a meal, or something like that.

After less than a year they got a divorce because he cheated, so my mom, sister, and I went to a city a few hours away with her friends.  I was really far behind in school because they tried to “homeschool” me after the school questioned the bruises I was getting. The “homeschool” was really just them keeping me home all day cleaning and getting beaten. While we were living there, the abuse stopped, and her friends took really great care of me. I didn’t get locked in a room, or have the crap beat out of me, or have to do ridiculous amounts of work.

I started 2nd grade there and sadly had to leave only a few weeks into school because my mom moved on with my sisters grandparents. There I started getting treated like crap again. My sisters grandparents treated her as if she was God and me like I was the scum of the earth. After her grandpa had a crazy melt down and got super drunk, my mom moved out and we started staying with the person names heather and her hell spawn of a daughter. Her daughter was 8, and would bite, scratch, kick, yell, cuss out, and just about anything else you can think of on a daily basis. Her mom would just make excuses for her being crazy. At school (I’m now in 3rd grade) some kids would call her the Devil’s daughter because of how she would act.

I had to say with them about a year before we moved into a house with just my mom sister and I. She let her friend from when she was younger move in and his name was Brett, and he started cheating on his girlfriend with my mom. He slowly but surely started making my mom do things for him, making her parent different, and telling her the different things she was and wasn’t allowed to do. We ended up moving from that house to an apartment where Brett moved in a little later, and this is where things went downhill again. Because they were a “couple” he decided to start making the rules for is all. What would happen in a day is: he goes to work my sister and I go to school, I come home get yelled at from my mom because of her mess, she goes and smokes weed (because he also had a drug issue that he passed on to my mom), I clean the entire apartment make dinner and do my homework, do my night chores ( the entire apartment because they made it a mess again), and then stay up until 3 in the morning to finish my homework. Mind you I’m only on 5th grade at the time. Now this goes on and on for years, but ever so slowly getting worse and worse.

When I was in 7th grade they moved to a new house, and things got worse. They started drinking really hard alcohol and drugs so the screaming got worse, the fighting between them got worse, my punishments got bigger (if the stove wasn’t perfect then I would have everything I owned taken from my room and usually only half of it would get back to me), and the workload even bigger. This new house had an acre of land now so I had to take care of all of it myself, on top of the massive size of the house (4500 sq feet) and school all made life impossible. After being in the house about a year Brett started to shove me and threaten to beat me. I told people about that and when my mom and Brett found out said I lied and made this huge thing of none of that happened, then threatened that if anyone else heard of it I would be put into a  juvenile facility.

My mom left Brett and I went and stayed with my aunt and uncle (who I am now with permanently). My mom went back to him a couple of times, but I never went back. She is now homeless because he threatens to kill her and so she left, and she has a “boyfriend” from the mental hospital she went to in the last couple months because of her bipolar and other mental health issues. My sister is with her grandparents, and I haven’t seen or talked to them in almost 3 months. My sister because I don’t have a way to talk to her, and my mom because I want nothing to do with her.

I’m currently in 10th grade (for America not sure of its different around the world), and have been with my aunt and uncle for almost 6 months. They are helping me with all that in processing and dealing with like my nightmares and aggression. I’m also with my 2 cousins (5 and 1.5 years old) who are the main reasons that I work through what I went through. So as of now I’m finally out of the 15 years of abuse and in a place that is safe.

I know this is a tough read, but Zion is such an amazing person and is now starting to deal with his past. If anyone reading this wants to talk to me about this post, or if you just want to have a chat, please email me. Or if you would like to speak to Zion about his experiences, or if you have been through something similar please feel free to get in touch with him (ziondutro@gmail.com). Thank you for reading.

GUEST POST: Have Faith In The Universe – by Sean

I’ve been in touch with a lovely blogger, Sean, and I want to say a big thank you to him for allowing me to post this wonderful piece.

Hello everyone…

Let’s discuss Depression today. I’ve been in that dark place before and it’s not something I ever want to go back to, actually I’ve been there twice. Once when my mother passed away then in my Sophomore year in High school. These would have to be the hardest times in my life and I’m thankful I was able to come out of the dark cave. Let me dive deeper.

I was nine years old when I lost my Mom to Breast Cancer. It was horrific and sad, but the thing that depressed me was that, neither of my parents would be around. My father, I can only guess what he’s doing right now but anyway, I didn’t have either of my parents. I ended up living with my older sister who is great but the thing was, my mother was gone as well as my father. I fell into a depression because I felt like a burden on my older sisters. One was working and the other already had a family of her own so what was a Sean suppose to do? I remained depressed for the next two years. I never thought about killing myself but I didn’t want to be alive. I was 11 now and I was more mature. I had to grow up and come to the harsh realization that the world did not owe me anything. The universe took my mother and I had to deal with that. Once I came to terms with my mother’s passing, I got better. Things got better. For a while I had to fake my own happiness until I eventually was happy and it wasn’t until I was 13 when I realized I was finally better and my laughter and smiles were actually genuine.

It was my Sophomore year in High school and it felt like I was losing my mind. Not only were my grades sub par but I felt as if I wasn’t sleeping or enjoying myself. No matter what I did I was not happy. (Again with the theme of happiness.) I felt this way until the summer going into my junior year. During the summer I lived on a college campus as part of this program I am involved in, isolated from everything I knew was troubling me. My friends within the program helped me through this tough time. They believed they were just being my friends but little did they know, they helped me through and out of my depressed phase. Along with coming out of my depressed phase, I also grew into my own body. I used to always say I was a 9 year old in a 22 year old’s body, (I have the body of a 22 year old college football player) but I finally grew into myself. My personality evolved, I became the Sean I was born to be.

Depression can be tricky. Depending on if the issue is internal or external there are different ways of handling it. The depression with my Mom was dealt with internally, it just happened that I molded into being happy. The depression during my 10th grade year was dealt with externally. My friends helped me through it. If you’re depressed or someone you know, tell them that it gets better. TRUST ME. It does. Have faith in the universe.

Sean (forever hopeful)

Thanks again, Sean, and if anyone reading this would like to talk or would like to write a guest post please get in touch!

This book sucks.

I was just browsing through my local bookshop when suddenly, a wild book appears! The book is called Tape by Steven Camden and it looked very promising! I have a rigorous system when it comes to choosing books. Here is the brief version:

  1. Look at the title and front cover.
  2. Put the book back on the shelf.
  3. Pick the book up again.
  4. Read the blurb.
  5. Put the book back.
  6. Pick the book up again.
  7. Read the first sentence of the first page.
  8. Carry the book around the shop for a while.
  9. Put the book back.
  10. Pick the book up again and go pay for it.

And this book passed this system with flying colours! The book even had reviews on the cover saying it was incredible, an amazing debut etc. Everything is great, right? Right?!

*WARNING: SPOILERS*


The main character, Ameliah, is a bit of a wet blanket. She seems to be just a boring, generic, teenage girl. But wait, her parents are both dead! That means she’s relatable, yes? Well actually it hardly even mentions the death of her parents, and the dad just isn’t around until the last chapter where you find out he died of cancer. Although throughout the book there are weird random pages of italics which we later find out has some vague connection to the death of her dad.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, the tapes that Ameliah owns allows her to talk to the past version of her dad. The reason I almost forgot this is because it is only brought up three times throughout the book. So let’s just get this straight. There’s a magical tape that allows you to talk to the teenage boy version of your dead dad, and that’s not the main focus of the book?!

Her nan has so many male friends, I’m starting to think that she may not be as innocent as you think! Seriously, Richard, Joe, etc. etc. I can’t get it all straight in my head. It’s so confusing! Plus the nan ditched her date and left him standing on her doorstep with a bunch of flowers, for no particular reason? Not cool, nan.

Main character meets a cute guy, they end up exchanging numbers and making the popular girl jealous (like every movie, ever!). But then nothing happens! They don’t ever talk or see each other again. Why did you get my hopes up, Steven, why?!

Joe, one of the random dudes Ameliah’s nan hangs around with, turns out to be Amelia’s dad’s step-brother. Confused yet? Yeah, me too. Even though Amelia’s dad doesn’t even like his step-brother, he asked the step-brother to look after his little girl after he’s dead. Right. So the dad asked a man he doesn’t like to look after his daughter, when she has a perfectly good nan who already looks after her?

The layout in this book is infuriating.

-I’m your daughter.

-Whaaat? No way, I’m like 15 you can’t be my daughter

-Nah, it’s me.

Do you see how frustrating this is?! No speech marks, no “said Ameliah” so I ended up re-reading conversations so many times just to try and keep track of who said what. Plus, the author sometimes indicates who’s talking (as it switches between the two characters) and sometimes he doesn’t. So I’ll be reading one page, turn to the next and suddenly I’m in a different time period. That’s not confusing at all.

I don’t usually dislike books this much but this one just annoyed me right from the beginning! Have any of you read this? Let me know what you think! And as always if you want to chat to me, just get in touch, and if you have any ideas for my future posts I’d love to hear them.

Thanks for reading!

Gratitude…

A few days ago I was contacted by a lovely new blogger, Autumn Accepts, and was asked to write a guest post for her. I liked this post so much that I want to share it with you all on this blog too, but if you could go check out Autumn’s blog too that would be amazing 🙂


Dear Autumn,

I had this whole idea of what I was going to talk about, it would be tragic and heart-warming and honestly it would have been an award-winning performance… But it would have been just that, a performance. You see, I write a lot about my past and all of it is true. From the sexual abuse, to the death of a friend, to the depression, to the anxiety I am still dealing with now. And I was going to write about that again. Until, for once in my life, I looked around me instead of looking over my shoulder.

And do you know what I saw? Well, I saw my bedroom walls to begin with. Painted dark brown, pretty cute right? Then I thought about everyone who doesn’t have that. Some people don’t have four walls, let alone four walls they can call theirs. Then I remembered the reason why my four walls are painted brown. That is because this was my brother’s room, and that dark brown was the result of countless pots of paint and hours of work by my parents. Then I remembered all the people who don’t have their family with them, or they don’t have parents that will drive to the paint shop three times just so their child can pick the perfect colour.

I looked to my left. I see books, and a whole lot of them at that! Overflowing, scruffy, and unorganised, but then I remembered the people who can’t afford to go to school, let alone those who can’t afford books. On top of the books I see a photo frame, the couple inside are awkward and dorky and it’s definitely not their best photo! But I am so grateful that I could be present in that moment, the first party my boyfriend took me to, the one where we drank a little bit too much and we danced badly but we were so in love. Then I remember all those people who can’t show their love, who fear walking down the street with their partner, who cannot get married because a deceitful government says it is immoral.

I looked to my right. I see a window, looking out upon the beautiful English countryside. Okay, my window actually looks out onto a carpark. But then I think about all the people whose windows are wrongfully blocked with bars, the people whose only crimes are standing up for equality, or falling in love.

Lastly, I look right ahead of me. And I see the World. I see all the information known to man, I see my friends who live thousands of miles away, I see infinite opportunities. Then I think of all the people who cannot afford computers, or those whose corrupt governments say that the internet will corrupt their minds.

As I look around I think of how lucky I am to be here, and how lucky I am to have the support of family and friends to help me. Maybe today you could take a look around and, just for one day, think about all the things you are grateful for.

Thank you for reading,

Amy

The Future Challenge!

I love the idea of this challenge! It lets me be all mushy and romantic about the future, so thank you Teenage Lunatics and The Introvert for nominating me 🙂

Here’s the rules:

  • Thank the bloggers who nominated you. Thank you!!
  • Link back to the challenge creator, Dreams and Movie Screens so she can track your progress.
  • Share 5 things about your future (jobs, kids, marriage, travel etc). Then one day you can look back and find out how psychic you really are.
  1. I’ll be working in a hospital or research laboratory. I’ll be spending my days looking at bacteria and cells and viruses and it will be amazing! Then one day you’ll see me on TV as the person who cured dementia and Alzheimer’s, that would be incredible. To know that I personally saved lives will be the best feeling in the World.
  2. My boyfriend will be my husband. I know, I’m only 18! But I still love Kyle as much as I did when I first met him when I was 16, in fact Kyle is just so intertwined into my life I honestly couldn’t imagine a future without him.
  3. I’ll have a home with a library. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember! I love books, I just don’t have much time to read a much as I used to unfortunately (one of the many side effects of having two jobs, you have no time). But I have so many books and I’d love to have a room filled with them! At the minute I’m in the smallest room in my house, and only having a room that’s 3 x 3 metres wide means my books take up 90% of the space. Seriously, they’re on every single side, every shelf, and stacked up in my wardrobe. At this point I’d be happy if there was a bookcase in my future!
  4. I’ll have children. I’m from a massive family where there’s always children around (I have 50 cousins!!) and as many of you know I’ve been looking after my brother since I was 10. I’ve done countless school runs, nappy changes, and I’ve racked up millions of hours of babysitting. I’ve also been mistaken for a mother approximately 8billion times. So yes, I do love children and I would love to have some of my own in the future.
  5. I want to be happy. For a very long time I was so unhappy, and it sucks! I think so many people take being happy for granted. But being unhappy from a very young age, to suddenly being happy makes me appreciate every single second. It’s an amazing feeling!
  • Tag 5 bloggers and put them up to the challenge.
  1. Emily
  2. Confused Apple
  3. Call Me Elle
  4. Vintage x Smiles
  5. Mon

Thank you for reading!