What is it like to be in love with someone who has autism?

20150620_161412[1]Wonderful. Challenging. Beautiful. Frustrating. But so worth it. My boyfriend, Kyle, and I have been dating for around a year and a half now, and he has been diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and dyslexia. I’m often asked if that makes a relationship difficult, and my honest answer is always yes. Of course it does. So why am I still with him? Well, he makes me happy for one. He is also an incredible person whose personality I love. My dad always said to me, if you’d be happy with your own child dating someone like your partner then you’re with the right one. Honestly, I would love my future children to date someone like Kyle.

However, our relationship faces struggles that some other couples might not face so in this post I’m going to list all the good points, and the bad, about dating someone with autism. Everyone with autism and ADHD are different and so this will be based on my own personal experiences, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. And before I start, I’d like to say that I’m not blaming my boyfriend for the things he does and I’m not judging him on these things- I understand that some habits he has make him more comfortable and I’m not putting him down in any way. I love him, but I want to give an honest view.

Bad News First

  • His view on right and wrong can be child-like. When my boyfriend gets upset or angry he can sometime resort to very child-like thinking. For example, while we were sleeping I took all of the blanket. He woke up and then decided to elbow me until I woke up, in his mind it was the only way he could think of to fix the problem, and if he couldn’t get to sleep why should I? To try and help we have a chat and we talk about what else he could have done, I do try and remain calm (even if it’s 4am!) because he doesn’t do it out of spite.
  • He obsesses over little things. He can’t eat baked beans unless he cooks them himself. Is he like that with any other food? Nope. Just baked beans. If his bus is a minute late he panics. He worries if he’s playing on his PlayStation too much, or if he’s reading too much, or if he’s on his laptop too much. But he doesn’t worry about the big things, like University or money. To deal with this I just get over it, he’s not affecting my life so it doesn’t bother me too much. Plus because of my anxiety I worry about everything enough for the both of us!
  • He struggles to read my emotions. Obvious clues, such as me crying or me laughing he can figure out my emotions. But sometimes if I’m just sitting on the sofa watching TV, he struggles to tell if I’m being quiet because I’m sad, angry, or if I’m just content. This can often lead to him asking me if I’m okay a lot, or asking me if I’m angry or upset at him. I’m not going to lie, this can get frustrating sometimes but it is sweet that he cares about me so much. So, to help with this I tell him outright if I’m angry or sad because it’s just easier for both of us. I think all couples should do this! It saves so much time because none of us are mind readers!
  • He finds it hard to put himself in others shoes. Kyle struggles to view the world from anyone else’s point of view. So he might do or say something without considering how that might make someone feel. Unfortunately my anxiety means that if he says something to me, I find it extremely hurtful and my brain often exaggerates it. As our relationship has gone on he has gotten a lot better at this, and I’ve learnt to let him explain what he really means and to talk to him if I find things upsetting.
  • He can’t process sarcasm. I am an extremely sarcastic person, but Kyle takes everything literally. This can make our conversations difficult, and can make for some awkward explanations.

But There Is Good News!

  • He can’t lie to me. Kyle just cannot lie. This means that if he tells me something I know he’s telling the truth, and I think this helps my anxiety a lot.
  • He’s very affectionate. Kyle’s ADHD means he’s very hyper and once he got to know me and trusted me he’s so sweet but very excitable. This means I get constant hand holding, hugs, and kisses which I love!
  • He knows so much. The amount of random information Kyle knows is astounding! I tutor a young boy, but he was struggling with History so I offered to do some lessons on it (although I know nothing about it) so I enlisted the help of Kyle who managed to teach me everything about castles, Medieval Times, and The Battle of Hastings. And my student got an A on his next exam πŸ™‚
  • He’s excitable.Β When Kyle finds something he’s passionate about, he gets obsessed over it and it’s so cute. He gets very excited, and it’s so nice to see something simple making someone so happy.
  • It’s easy to tell how he feels. Some people struggle to read their partners emotions, but Kyle is very predictable. He has very specific behaviours for when he’s happy and another behaviour for when he’s sad. This means I don’t have to be a mind reader and I can help him out quickly.
  • He doesn’t judge. He bases his opinions of people solely on how they treat him and how they act. Kyle is one of the least judgmental people I know. It doesn’t matter if you are 10 or 110, male or female, black or white, gay or straight, Kyle will be friendly towards you and that’s such an amazing quality of his.
  • He is so positive. His personality is so upbeat. Although he has struggled he always has a positive outlook on life and it’s so nice to be with someone like that. He is so kind and sweet and he genuinely is a nice guy.
  • He just gets on with life. Never has Kyle complained about having autism. He knows he has it and he just carries on with life, there’s no moping around or feeling sorry for himself, and I love that about him.
  • He’s brave. His ADHD means he doesn’t fear dangerous situations. This means that I can send him to deal with big scary spiders, or loud noises in the night and he doesn’t even flinch! This means he’s Superman in my eyes!
  • He’s a good listener. If I have a problem I know I can go to him and talk about it, whatever it is. He’s also good at giving me advice, and putting my problems into perspective, and he helps motivate me πŸ™‚

I wrote a list of so many more good points but I realised this post is so long already! I hope this post has given you a better insight into what it’s like to date someone who is autistic. No relationship is ever easy, and autism does make a relationship extra challenging. But there are so many reasons why Kyle is a wonderful boyfriend and no, I would never take away his autism because without it he wouldn’t be Kyle. I love him and I hope he never changes who he is. Thank you for reading!

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86 thoughts on “What is it like to be in love with someone who has autism?

  1. You are amazing and so is Kyle. And when you put amazing and amazing together it makes something wonderful, beautiful and surprisingly fabulous. That awesome something is, like you said, challenging to create and keep, but I can tell that you and Kyle are really good for each other and you’ll definitely keep it. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is such a beautiful post! πŸ™‚
    I’ll be honest, the question that you answered in this post was one that I have thought about a lot of times, ever since I came across your blog. I wondered if this relationship was difficult on you (I wasn’t being judgemental on Kyle, I was just curious. Please don’t take it otherwise!).
    From your previous posts, I already knew that you and Kyle care for each other A LOT and that he’s super sweet (I have told you that, what, ten times? πŸ˜› ) and most of the time it didn’t seem like he had autism at all. I always have this habit of imagining people in my head when I read or hear about them, and I had a tough time imagining Kyle. This post cleared up a lot of my questions and it’s easier to imagine the entire picture now!
    I still think he’s super-sweet, though! πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I had to come online when I read the email. This is the best love story I have ever read I don’t care what anyone says. I like the fact that it’s not all cotton candy and ice cream but there are challenges and that makes it even more perfect. The fact that you can keep your cool after elbows at 4am is astounding!! I wish you all the happiness Kyle has to offer. Ps I already like him! -Paul,theTYABlog.com

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I think this is what love is about. This was wonderful. When people say “It`s good to read the challenges you face” etc etc, I think EVERY love story faces something difficult. It`s so encouraging to see you be so open and brave about it, because not everyone wants to tell the whole world their boyfriend has autism and then spit out the challenges, but you did, so thanks a lot! You guys are SO SWEET and I hope you stay together forever and ever. πŸ™‚ β™₯

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hope we’re together forever too!! Thank you, your comment has made my day πŸ™‚ You’re right, every relationship has challenges but I think a good relationship acknowledges those challenges and deals with them together πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I love this so much. This is so beautiful. Kyle sounds like a great guy. And I could feel the love and compassion you have for him through your words. He’s very luck y to have you! May you be together forever…!!! πŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

  6. To be honest, most of the bad points that you mentioned, I was putting them into play in my head ( as if I was dating someone like him ). I would get frustrated at those things and then kind of get over because that’s just how he is. But when you mentioned the good points, I totally forgot about the bad points. He sounds like an amazing boyfriend and person and I think that you two make it work. You have anxiety and he had ADHD, but you two seem to benefit each other aside from that. Beautiful, I loved reading this.

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  7. This is very eye opening! I think it’s beautiful you can both learn to overcome, and this really helps spread information about awareness of Autism and ADHD, which I think is so great in today’s society. He sounds so wonderful! Congratz to you guys.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Awwww! This post is so full of cuteness it brought a tear to my eye! You sound like such a cute couple and it must be so lovely for anyone who knows you to witness that! ☺️ xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I loved this post and its honesty! I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he had ADD and anxiety meaning that our relationship isn’t always rainbows and sunshine but you were spot on about the good and bad points. I wouldn’t change him for the world and I’m glad to hear you wouldn’t either. Hope you’re well! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Aww. You two will last a long time, I know for sure. Me and my fiance have been together for nearly three and a half years now and we both have similar things to you both. He’s autistic and dyspraxic, I’m dyspraxic with a side of anxiety and depression. We have our differences and difficulties at times, but we get through it. He’s a very intelligent and caring man to me and it seems your boyfriend is too. Much love to you 😊

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    • It makes me so happy to hear of other couples who are similar to Kyle and I, there just don’t seem to be that many around and that’s a shame. Thank you so much, and all the best to you and your partner πŸ™‚

      Like

  11. I recently had an 8 month relationship with a boy with autism, obviously there are a lot of differences, but a lot of the points here really reminded me of him. So I’d definitely agree with you and say to anyone to not let something like autism put you off or stop you getting to know someone who might be as wonderful as my ex, or as your boyfriend obviously is πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly, people shouldn’t avoid being in relationships with autistic people, every relationship has challenges but it’s worth it πŸ™‚ Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment πŸ™‚

      Like

  12. Pingback: What is it like to be in love with someone who has autism? by Amy A | David Snape and Friends

  13. I really like what you have written about your relationship and it made me laugh especially about ” not telling lies”
    I can relate to most of what you said
    My partner Julia is aspergers and we are together 10 years now . We have challenging times sometimes but it’s all worth it it’s . It’s not always challenging it’s mostly always great . I wouldn’t change her and love her quirky ways such as having an obsession with things like growing plants they take over our house .
    Julia brings so much joy to my life and fulfills me in so many ways . I love the way she logically works out my problems as I can be too emotional at times
    I love the way she hold me affectionately and can be so living and kind .
    I love her soul . I laugh as she can’t lie to me . I trust her with my life .
    So you see I can relate to your story so much . I could forever write about our relationship but I guess I better keep it short . I think that our relationship isn’t really all that different from any other loving relationship other then she had aspergers and deal with aspects of this at times but we have learned to deal with this such as always trying to keep her stress levels swim especially in social situations or if she gets too tierd it’s hard for her to function . But we manage this .
    Most of all I know that my life is complete with her and that I will continue to enjoy our life together .
    Thank you for your story we need more positive stories about reslationships .
    Ann Marie

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