I gave up.

I’m sorry guys, this post is not cheerful. I gave up. As many of you know I have been driving for a little while now, but I only had 6 months from when I got my license to when I go to University in September. So I’ve been trying, and failing, to get my license before then. And I was told by my instructor that after 3 months of driving it is “highly unlikely” I will get my license before I go, so I have now stopped taking lessons. I know this sounds like me bragging, but this is the first thing I have failed at. I am lucky in that the educational system is designed so that people like me succeed, because I can memorise things easily and can write and spell reasonably well I have never failed at anything I’ve done. So here I am feeling like complete shit. I feel like I have wasted everyone’s time and money, and I’ve wasted my own time and money which is not in great supply. I am just so ashamed that I can’t do something that comes so easily to others, and now I’ll have to tell all my friends and family that I gave up too. I just feel like such a failure.

I know why I can’t drive, and it’s because I’m terrified. I have panic attacks before and after each lesson, and most lessons end up with me in tears because I am so scared I’m going to crash. See, when I had just turned 16 my dad made me drive along a country road. I pressed the wrong pedal and we crashed into a tree. His exact words were “You almost killed me, and you almost killed yourself. You have to understand you are in a dangerous machine and one wrong move will mean death”. Yeah that’s helpful. I’d only had 2 hours of driving experience by then, so it wasn’t exactly the best start. Then a few months ago my parents were in a car accident, they were travelling along a main road and a car pulled out of a side road straight into the side of them. Getting a phone call from the police saying your parents have been in an accident and are now in hospital is not fun, trust me. There were 2 fire engines, 2 ambulances, and 5 police cars. And I got to see the lovely pictures of the wreckage on every newspaper in my town.

I know I need to get over this fear but it’s hard. I know I will get my license one day, and that failure is inevitable and I just need to get over it. But first I’m going to have my tantrum, I’m going to have one day of self pity. Then after that, as a wise woman once said, I’m going to shake it off (shake it off). Thanks for listening x

19 thoughts on “I gave up.

  1. Girl, you know I agree. But I am literally the exact same way! This is the only thing I’ve ever not learned in the blink of an eye! But what did you tell me? You weren’t born knowing how to drive. So you haven’t failed. You just haven’t learned. Take a deep breath & go back and try again in a little. 🙂 let me know if you ever want to talk!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. After reading this, it seems to me that your phobia of driving (and what can happen during driving) might be similar to a phobia of flying. Talking to a trained professional may be of some help to learn strategies to alleviate your anxiety when driving. After talk therapy, you might be in a better emotional state to manage the anxieties in order to learn. It won’t be easy but it sounds like it might be necessary. Best of luck at university and take care. You did your best at the time and that is all you can do. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think you’re right, and my instructor even suggested this but when I mentioned it to my parents they said I was being over dramatic and that it would be a waste of money 😦 Thank you, and all the best to you too 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I understand that it is expensive. A family doctor might be able to suggest someone that doesn’t have to cost you money. Good luck to you as well. I hope it works out for you.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You don’t need to feel like you’re a failure or compare yourself to anyone else! I have failed my theory four times so it’s really unlikely that I’ll get my license before university, either. Sure it sucks and I feel so bad for wasting money but, but don’t give up! Pick it up again when you feel more capable, more ready. I feel scared too – I hate going fast or anything! I get so easily distracted and drift off into the middle of the road – so don’t worry it’s not easy for everyone! You just have to remember that everyone’s different and people who are so great at driving may not be so great at the other stuff which you are great at! Stay strong xo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Please, please don’t feel like a failure. Because YOU ARE NOT. You need to take a breather, and your fear is totally understandable. Do NOT beat yourself up about it and don’t feel ashamed.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just take a break and when you’re feeling more comfortable/ready, go for it. You’re trying hard and you’re doing well, and remember we all have things we are afraid of. Good luck! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Keep your head up. You are amazing and strong for even going near a car. You will get there. You can do it. I believe in you!! I nearly crashed my car a few times while I’ve been learning and the only reason I didn’t is because my parents used the handbrake to stop the car. You will be okay. Learning to drive is a complicated thing. You shouldn’t give up. Just take it slowly and you’ll get there eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

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