I gave up.

I’m sorry guys, this post is not cheerful. I gave up. As many of you know I have been driving for a little while now, but I only had 6 months from when I got my license to when I go to University in September. So I’ve been trying, and failing, to get my license before then. And I was told by my instructor that after 3 months of driving it is “highly unlikely” I will get my license before I go, so I have now stopped taking lessons. I know this sounds like me bragging, but this is the first thing I have failed at. I am lucky in that the educational system is designed so that people like me succeed, because I can memorise things easily and can write and spell reasonably well I have never failed at anything I’ve done. So here I am feeling like complete shit. I feel like I have wasted everyone’s time and money, and I’ve wasted my own time and money which is not in great supply. I am just so ashamed that I can’t do something that comes so easily to others, and now I’ll have to tell all my friends and family that I gave up too. I just feel like such a failure.

I know why I can’t drive, and it’s because I’m terrified. I have panic attacks before and after each lesson, and most lessons end up with me in tears because I am so scared I’m going to crash. See, when I had just turned 16 my dad made me drive along a country road. I pressed the wrong pedal and we crashed into a tree. His exact words were “You almost killed me, and you almost killed yourself. You have to understand you are in a dangerous machine and one wrong move will mean death”. Yeah that’s helpful. I’d only had 2 hours of driving experience by then, so it wasn’t exactly the best start. Then a few months ago my parents were in a car accident, they were travelling along a main road and a car pulled out of a side road straight into the side of them. Getting a phone call from the police saying your parents have been in an accident and are now in hospital is not fun, trust me. There were 2 fire engines, 2 ambulances, and 5 police cars. And I got to see the lovely pictures of the wreckage on every newspaper in my town.

I know I need to get over this fear but it’s hard. I know I will get my license one day, and that failure is inevitable and I just need to get over it. But first I’m going to have my tantrum, I’m going to have one day of self pity. Then after that, as a wise woman once said, I’m going to shake it off (shake it off). Thanks for listening x