I had no intention of writing this post, and up until last night I didn’t think I could. But then I typed in the word ‘Suicide’ into the search bar of this site and I came across hundreds of people who are thinking about taking their own life, and there is no way in hell I’m going to do nothing because if I can even make one person realise they are important then it will have been worth it.

In less than 48 hours it will be the anniversary of my best friend’s death. Joshua was aged 12 when he hung himself on Wednesday 19th May 2010. He left behind two guilty parents, one heartbroken sister, and me, a damaged 11 year old girl. Joshua was beautiful. He was also very gay and everyone knew it, and of course this led to bullying. It got to the point where he didn’t even want to go outside. One day we were sat in his room and he kept touching his sleeves and wincing every time he moved.  I grabbed his sleeve and pulled it up a and there were so many scars overlapping each other, I couldn’t understand what had happened and I guess I was in denial. He told me he had one for every time someone called him a faggot or a pussy, every time someone had pushed him over, each time someone had sent him a text telling him to die he had added another scratch. I don’t want to go into detail about how I discovered he died because that won’t help anyone and I’d rather not spend my Sunday morning trying to describe the pain of that moment.

Joshua would have turned 18 this year. We should be giggling over boys, and we should have had that joint 18th birthday party that we planned when we were 10, but that can never happen. I wish he could have met my boyfriend and saw me at prom where I wore a dress for the first time, and I wish I could have seen his face when I got my scholarship for University. And I am crying right now so I’m going to stop talking about the what if’s because he’s gone and there is no point thinking about something that is never going to happen.

Joshua thought that he was a burden on us and he thought there’s no way to fix the problems he had with bullying and his sexuality and that is why he took his life. But there is always another solution. Please go talk to someone, your parents, teachers, siblings, friends, or call a suicide hotline (http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html). Every single person reading this has a reason to live, and I completely understand that life can be overwhelming sometimes and it’s okay to feel that way. But self harm and suicide are not the answer. You don’t see the effects of suicide on the people you leave behind and the guilt and the pain and the tears. I’d like to think that this post may help someone, and maybe that’s just wishful thinking, but  it is too late for my beautiful Josh but it’s not too late for you.

I just miss him so fucking much.


17 thoughts on “

  1. I wish virtual hugs were a real thing. But since they aren’t, I’m just going to *HUUUUUUG* and hope it helps. You seem like an awesome person, and all the Joshua’s I know are amazing people. I’m sorry you lost a beautiful soul like his.

    Lots of love and hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Everything you need to know about me (and a lot more you really don’t). | Every Word You Say

    • wow this is such a sad story. I am very sorry for your loss. Personally I am not thinking about suicide but I honestly hope someone who is thinking about suicide reads this post. Thanks for sharing such a personal story. People like you help the world go round. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel so sad reading this post… Losing someone near to you at a young age is a very painful thing to happen, and I know how it feels. I just hope that this post reaches out to people and gives them a new hope to live. If I could reach out and hug you, my friend, I would. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so sorry for your loss and for Joshua as well as his family. I wish for a world where the only closet is one that has clothes in it and that the Joshuas of the world feel safe and accepted. The story is an important one to be told as it might help someone along the way. By being vocal for the rights of all, you are a role model and honour Joshua for who he was. Take care and best wishes as you keep his spirit and message alive for others to learn from.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow thank you, I wish there were more people like you who are compassionate and kind. I can’t really put into words how grateful I am for your comment, I’ve never been called an honour before so thank you. You’ve made my day 🙂 All the best to you too, and thank you again!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I was saved from the brink of suicide twice in my life. My life circumstances are different than your friend’s were, yet I know that outcast feeling and the desperation. I thank God and those few genuine souls who bothered to lift me when I was down. Hugs and prayers. Healing takes time and the great thing is God has all the time in the world for it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey. I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope it gets easier for you someday but I don’t know if it will. My best friend also committed suicide a while ago and it still hurts to think about it. I wrote a blog post in the form of a letter to him sometime back and just thinking and writing about it made me cry so much. I myself have almost attempted suicide twice and I know what that feels like.
    And I want to say thank you. This is an amazing post.
    Also, I wanted to say that I am in love with your blog. I can relate so much and you’re such a great writer. Take care xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Firstly, I am so sorry. It’s so unfair. I have attempted suicide too, and it’s such an awful place to be so I completely understand what you went through. I hope things are better for you now. It’s been 7 years since Josh died, and although things get easier you never forget them and I think that’s a good thing 🙂 Thank you so much, it means a lot to know that people actually enjoy reading my thoughts!!

      Liked by 1 person

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